you look gay-tarded

metal by numbers

amazing song

listen and cry...

fuck read it and weep.

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Metal By Numbers - Brian Poseh...

i dont want to fucking talk to you.

whats with people having this amazing ability to piss me off. my mother is such a bitch all of the time, maybe if she wasnt hammered right now i wouldnt be pissed. i was stuck waiting up all night for something that wouldnt happen, i once again told her to fuck off because i dont want to deal with her or her shit. tomorrow im busy and im not going to see terri on account of friday being retake day and me wanting to look good, straightening my hair takes forever, my grandma already pissed me off because jamie cant come over this week. gah im so sick of people.

today was a clingy day, today i felt like i needed attention and i got none, most the time i dont want it and i get too much. im sick, and im tired, and im hungry, and im alone again. am i supposed to be happy about this? apparently i could have gone to lucs house with him mod 14 and we would have been the only ones in the house, which is why he called me like 5 times. i like this idea but i dont know if i completely trust myself with it. i said i wouldnt fuck ben in public, i told lys i wouldnt fuck lochlan when she was near, so many times ive said i wouldnt then did the opposite... i dont want that to happen again. then again i dont need morals and i can be a raging whore if i want to be. blah who cares anymore.

hey you,

is it bad that i think you you when i see kingdom hearts commercials and then realize how much of a loser you are because of it?

i find it funny and i find it even funnier when the commercial reminds me of the wonderful Disney characters.

im sure ive said this all before, but i like that youre a loser and i honestly do think youre weirder than me.

im going to marry you kid, i will strap you down and stick a ring on your finger, say i do or ill cut your dick off ha ha kidding.

this was all just another random thought.

(this isnt about who you think its about, but you know who you are)

-----------------------------------------

American Girl - Tom Petty & Th...

just a sobg i had stuck in my head

i want to dance on a bar!

im watching the movie coyote ugly because its on. i like this move but it makes me really horny which is funny because im like never horny these days, still im not having sex though. sad face ha ha. i guess i could always change that but the whole period thing gets in the way, plus i dont ever want to have sex with just someone i know. for some reason im a big feeling person, i care about how something feels... mentally, i dont know what that makes me.

im feeling extremely clingy today, i dont know just why, all i know is i feel like latching myself on to someones arm and never having them leave my side. its funny because i hate really clingy needy bitches but i am a clingy needy bitch a lot of the time. im a hypocrite but this news shouldnt be new to you all.

im in a chicken sandwich mood... original... from burger king. i also want to go to sleep. id like to thank jamie for her amazingly nice ness and everything she does for me even though i have nothing to offer her in return. i like that we're friends, i know that both of our friends, mine and hers, have been caught up in their own lives and im happy we have each others to get caught up in.

tonight im supposed to have my mom pick me up so we can go see terri, i havent seen that amazing lesbian in a long fucking time, since the end of last school year. im excited but at the same time i feel like shit and all i honestly want to do right now is eat then sleep. im such a fatty at heart. i wonder what i weigh... imma go check, hold on. about 160 give or take, im slowly losing weight, or losing a lot then gaining it back super fast. my goal is to be slightly above underweight by the end of this school year, to bad im not going to do anything to keep that goal... maybe ill just stop eating ha ha.... yeah fucking right.

anyhow, if you need me call 290-6894. im off me blog for now kids.

you have 7 hours to vote on my poll until its a all new one for next month, get your shit done and flush the fucking toilet!

poly want a cracker... in her vagina.

voting on my poll is officially over in nine hours. vote, nowish i might cry if you dont :( ha ha, so uhm vote of i cry until my eyes bleed out and someone puts them in soup. kay. uhm, yeah more later in detail because im completely out of it. katarina is my homo, fo life.

survival of the fittest bro, today is just isnt your day.

watching angel at 6am is the best way to start anyones day. who doesnt like a canceled spin off of buffy the vampire slayer? i love being bitten, on the neck, bottom lip, but not too soft. its not because im a vampire freak, im not a vampire freak i actually refuse to like most things that involve vampires, its because its fucking hot ha ha ha. kind of random i guess.

im still sick, but im going to school. my grandma said i could stay home but i know i really need to go. im open one Wednesdays so i go late, yay. my mom called me at 6:20... my alarm hadnt even gone off yet. i flipped shit on her and told her not to call me before 7, she told me not to drop the "f bomb" so i hung up on her. called her back 20 minuets later and listened to her bitch a bit, she told me to cal her later. gahhhhhh bitch.

its still to early and i know ive seen this episode before, charmed is on next and ive seen every episode of that show because it used to be my favorite, i was a witch obsessed little girl. i guess it was just the thought of being so powerful and being able to stop whatever gets in your way. it seems like everyone who gets in my way i push out of the way with fucks flying anyhow though. i think im rambling a bit but i dont care. i hope jamie brings her gb color today... i wanna play pokémon yellow like now ish. chris in this show is so fucking hot, the grown up one not the baby one, like if i were 20 and a hot witch or something id be all over that future boy. now in all reality i want to jump luc's bones ha ha but im a waiting person after the last two douche bags, yes ben included, im waiting for at least a month of the whole "bf gf" thing before having any type of sex. sorry to all of the people who want in my pants, and sorry to myself for not letting those people in my pants.

i think im going to try to stay away from being close to people today, i dont want to keep getting people sick. if im not all cuddle buddy with you dont freak out, im not in a bad mood, dont ask me whats wrong. im sick and yes i am bitchy... i want meatball subs from subway! show choir kids make me laugh. im thinking of getting ready for school, we'll talk later bitches!

zebras dont fucking moo bitch!

if you havent noticed the new looks of the page you're a fucking idiot. donovans sticky is on the side, ahlixe's header is my new header, and i have a new background. i believe its pimp shit off the hizzle... whatever that means, but what do you think?

i think i want to kill this megan character in zach's story of life, maybe if she gets hit by a car or something it'll look like an accident. she's fucking him up and im sick of it, i wish he'd never met her, i wish he didnt like her, shes no good for him and im sticking with that conclusion. shes hurting him more than she knows and i dont want to see my favorite person at westside get hurt simply because he likes someone. ive met her, but i want to see her again, befriend her, then tell all of her secrets and rip her apart from the inside out because she deserves it.

im still feeling sick but now its mainly my nose, no more throat hurting-ness. yay! school tomorrow, i have no choice. im thinking i might go to bed early tonight... but i might, just might do some homework first. talked to luc for a while, apparently my blog is now on his top sites too... he actually reads it just like the rest of you losers ha ha. i dont see a problem with this honestly, it means i can stop confronting him about everything thats wrong and he can come to me when he thinks somethings wrong. another day i thank my blog for making life easier.

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Brighter - Paramore

i am in such a horrible fucking mood.

honestly ben, if you want out of my life so bad get the fuck out. im not saying i wont attempt to bring you back, im not saying it wont hurt me, all i am saying is im not going to force you to stay and do something you dont want to do. im sick of having the same conversations with you, you freak out about one thing over and over and i freak out about another over and over. all i said was back off, back off as in this does not involve me you and luc, this involves me and luc and i dont want your continusly changing imput. first you say hes a douche, then you decide hes great and i shouldnt let him get away. i never listen to you when you tell me what to do so why say anything? im trying to have my own thing here, with every guy you tell me what to do. luc, lochlan, ryan, dakota, mason, everyone, ive told you what to do one time... that does not compair to everything youve done. sure i get jealous when other people sit on you and such, but you get the same way with me, and i never get jealous while dating someone. when i ask for help with something like this i'll ask, but that wont happen so all i want is for you to back off when it comes to this sort of thing.

josh, stop pissing me off. you know i dont want you to go to fucking boot camp and that i dont want to talk about it. you know i hate this whole situation so stop bringing it up, and when i ask you to stop being such a douche and freaking me out about something im losing two friends to, do it. i lost cody and that was enough, you know i can barely handle that, you also know losing you is going to drive me completely fucking insane. i dont want to think about this ever, i dont just want you to be gone one day, but i have a general idea to when youre leaving so i dont need to keep hearing the same months over and over again. i dont expect us to talk after you leave, but then again i didnt expect us to talk after you graduated either. you wont read this so it doesnt even matter. blah fuck you!

you can by my sugar dumpling muffin baby pumpkin pie

listen here kids. i need a proxy, i havent been on myspace or facebook since school started... im feeling a bit deprived. so uhm, hook m up please.

oh and my poll would like some attention, theres one day left to vote. so give it a bit of tender love and care. thanks.

we never talk of our lack in relationships.

every once in a while i feel like spilling everything and telling everybody the things they might not know about me, it all just builds up over time and i have nowhere to put it all. some of you probably know some of this, some of you know none of this, and a few of you might know all of this. i figure you'll all judge me but i could honestly care less at this point, im just sick of holding it all in... there isnt much, but its enough to make me breakdown.

in all honesty i love my mom, she is a bitch, there's no doubt about that. the thing is that im a mommys girl, always have been and i always will be. i tell her somethings but i never tell her everything, she just sort of knows. shes not the type of person to hug you when you cry or hold your hand when youre scared, shes the type to tell you to stop being such a pussy and to stop crying like a bitch so she can understand you. she would kill anyone who ever hurt me in a heart beat, its not like she hasnt threatened my friends before. she's my ultimate cuddle buddy and id die for her any second of any day. we only get along some of the time, im sure most of you know she was the first to give me a black eye, and the only one i will take any beating from. she tells me she loves me but shes always trying to leave me, all i ever wanted was for her to accept me how i am. she wants me to be more than some fuck up kid who just doesnt care, but every time i was more id get the same treatment. she makes me hate myself more than anyone in the world and as much as i want to be perfect for her, i wont let myself be. i know i cant keep begging her to stay in my life, i know she shouldnt get a second glance when i walk away, but shes my fucking mother. shes the only one i know who's as crazy as i am, she's the only one who's in denial about it, she's the only one who understand everything even if she trys not to, she's my fucking god.

i know im a loser and i always will be, but sometimes i cant help but wish i was more. right now im the crazy bitchy half black chick some people love and most people love to hate. why cant i be that happy blonde girl who's slightly underweight, the one everybody knows the name of, the cheerleading whore who gets away with everything because of her daddys money? i love my life, i cant imagine it any other way, but i want to start over and be someone completely different. i have so many regrets, ive fucked up almost everything good in my life and i cant imagine my life becoming one worth living even if i did try. im sure its sad that ive given up on my life, that i dont want to go to collage, graduate from high school, get a job, a family, anything, that now all i want is to sleep, hide inside myself, and die young and alone. i think i set myself up for this at a young age, i mean what kindergardener knows straight off the bat theyre going to smoke and drink, i was wrong i hate cigaretts and alcohol, but still. ive always said that id try any drug put in front of me as long as it wasnt meth, ive always wanted to be the party girl in the 90's club scene.

when listening to you belong with me by taylor swift all i can do is panic. i neither of those girls. here's me spelling it all out with some of the lyrics, my thought are in blue...

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

im the girl who doesnt get humor and flips shit for no reason.

I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesnt like
And she'll never know your story like I do

this could be true

but i dont now anybodys stories

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts yes
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers yes
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time

i dont see myself as the girl anyone has ben looking for.

Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself
Hey isnt this easy?
mmhmm

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I havent seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you find I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?

id be the one stopping someone from smiling.

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry

im the one to make you cry

i even make small

I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.

i think i fail

im scared to death of semi trucks, i dont like anything that intimidates me. i hate heights but at the same time i find them enjoyable, im really closterphobic. i love horror movies and action movies where a lot of people die, i dont like blood and guts though sometimes it can be fucking sweet. chick flicks are not my best friends, nor are diamonds. i hate when people do things for me, i dont even like christmas because i cant afford to get anything for the other person. i often have the perfect gifts in mind but i cant ever get them.

example: id love to get my mom creed concert tickets, she loves creed and stained, their both coming 4 days before her birthday. i want to get elyssa a harry potter wand because shes a super loser who loves harry potter.

i think im done witht this, maybe they're will be additions later, we'll see.

This is the fall; this is the long way down

ive been a bitch for a while now, maybe paranoid and bitchy is better. i keep saying how i hate you guys and how i dont want you to care about me, but honestly it makes me happy you do, i just get annoyed really easily... you know this. somethings just been wrong with me lately and i dont know how to take nice-ness. i really do love you guys, like with all honesty and truthful-ness, i fucking love you kids/not kids. i should stop worrying about stupid stuff and be happy that i have what i have, which is you guys behind me 100% of the way. most of us have been through so much with each other and i hate that i was just trying to leave it all in a moment of angst. bagh! im sorry, like really, really sorry.

today i stayed home sick, im like a boy going through puberty but i can control my erections. i slept until about 1 then got on first class, checked my mail... well part of it, then puked. gah its so gross, i keep coughing shit up too, luc laughed at me but his dumb ass is going to get the same thing. i cmae back into my room then checked the rest of my mail. i got a message from donovan, its a new sticky of his that he made. it has a bunch of people's faces in it and on the side it says forever, im in it... i was super emotional because of this. i saved it to my computer then kept reading my mail, i had a message from alexandria the attachment name was ashley header, i opened it and it was a header for my blog, its incredibly cute. at this point i was still emotional from the other picture so i'll admit i did cry a tiny bit, but they were tears of joy :) gah i fucking love my friends. these are both going on my blog forever, i just need to figure out how to make the header my official header. even though im sick, its a happy day.

you asked for it, you paid for it, get what you deserve.

i dont know what to say. today was shitty and it could have been better if i didnt worry so much. people keep pissing me off though, ive said before that i hate people saying "aww im here for you when you need me" and "do you want to talk about it?" stop being so fucking nice. honestly i dont want to talk about it and i could care less if youre there for me or not. if i say i had a shitty day dont ask me why, or what happened, just leave it at that and change the fucking topic dip shit. you read my blogs, you always tell me when you read them like i asked you not to, why the fuck are you people so damn dumb. i dont even want to be friends with half of you anymore. im not being nice right now but its because youre fucking idiots. im on a ignoring spree, i have been for a while, piss me off you get ignored for at least a week or two.

im sick i feel like shit and i dont want to deal with people. ive said this all before. ben i will do what i want when i want to. dont tell me what to do with people i like, if i wanted to ask him out id have asked him out, i dont ask people out ever. youre pressuring me to do stuff all the time, things you think will be right for me. first you say he's a douche and a whore and its all a lie, now youre telling me to ask him out before i lose him forever. youre freaking me out man, just let me do things my way, im a big girl. i enjoy taking thing slowly, thats something you wouldnt know though. i want to be your friend, but stay out of my head when it comes to things in my life, seriously.

turns out everything i was worrying about wasnt even worry worhty. theres not a big secret im just a little paranoid. he wasnt making her laugh purposely he was just being a dumb ass, he deleted his texts because hes had problems with that before (its probably a good thing he did too because i would have done something bitchy). in all honesty im happy we didnt talk today, it was an off day and i probably would have snapped at him if hed grabbed my bun. maybe we'll talk tomorrow, but i have a feeling that im going to feel even worse by then. first class is good enough for now, im tired. nothing will probably happen before bed ut if it does you know where it'll be.

jock my nuts.

once again im in swimming class, first time ive decided to "forget my clothes" though. i generally enjoy this class, i look like shit after, but its something to keep my mind off of the day. today has been so fucking shitty. last night i couldnt fall asleep and all i could think about was depressing things, which i wrote about. i came to school, i was tired, i felt sick but i was in an overall good mood. went to german, talked to people. went to math, got dirty looks from lucs date to homecoming. had tommy walk me to world history, typed a blog that was funny but didnt post it. went to lunch, laughed at katie not being able to get her bottle and stuff like that. went to earth space, laughed so hard i cried because of tomi and her dead hamster with a tumor. design, i drew shit then bugged taylor and stephanie.

music, got all shy. i get kind of... nervous when im around someone i like, its one of those... "i like him, he liked me yesterday, does he like me today?" things. annoying. we didnt talk at all, but he did turn around and make his homecoming date that he hated oh so much laugh. jealousy has turned into my most well known enemy. i was also told that he said the pain ball welts all over his body were hickeys, hes such a bullshitter unless someone gave him hickeys after i made-out with him. at this moment i remembered how he wouldnt let me read his texts yesterday... hes hiding something and i really need to know what, if i dont find out what the hell is going on and make sure of everything then i may as well get over him and move on to someone else, i dont want to do that at all honestly. he told me a lot of secrets but now i feel like none of them matter because he isnt telling me what i need to know. feck!

it was great until music... now im tired and i want to go home. im not staying after, fuck that shit. till later, jock my nuts mother fuckers!

dear cody,

i miss you so fucking much! youre honestly my best friend, i told you everything and you were the only one who was really there for me all hours of the night. ive cried with you on the phone more times than i can remember because of guys, friends, family, everything. you fixed everything with just a few words in your ghetto north Omaha accent. i hate that you left for the marines, i hate that i had to find someone else to vent to in my times of need, i hate that you left for boot camp while i was having fun time. i never got to say bye, i never got to tell you happy birthday. you have no idea how hard everything is without you there to make it better, you being the funny ass creeper you were made being sad being happy. not a day goes by that i dont want to hear you say "so uhm, what kind of underwear are you wearing?" jokingly of course. please dont change while youre gone, ill go insane, if youre not the perfectly ghetto white boy best friend you were when you left i will kill everyone at that damn training facility with my bare hands. its been about 2 months and as you can see im not taking any of this very well, soon enough itll be a year or two, youll only be coming home for christmas and i wont get to see you. i honestly think the best decision youve ever made was the worst. i know i havent lost you forever, but its been 2 months and i still cry when ever i see a marines commercial, youll be gone long enough to drive me insane. so much has happened, theres so much stuff i need to tell you, good and bad. i need to stay up until 3 am talking about everything and nothing, i need my best fucking friend back. i keep thinking of the past two summers weve had together and how much better they were because of you... if you dont come back... i dont know. i need you kid, i love you with everything i have, everything i could ever home to be, and everything i ever was, because youre my best friend. i dont know when i'll stop writing these stupid letters youll never get, but i know it wont be soon.

come home so i can stop crying all the time, please.

Ashley

the song.

juno = incredibly correct.

first off, i dont think you guys realize how awkward it is when you tell me you like my blogs. this is just me writing about my life, its not like im making a book about unicorns and fairies. i know you guys read, and most of you enjoy reading, but seriously? i mean its my life, its not good, which is why its interesting i guess. i just hate when i hear "i love your blogs" it equals "i love reading about your shitty life". im honestly thinking about quitting this whole thing.

new note, the pokémon game i have does not fit into my ds you assholes. it was a fail, big time. im disapointed in all of you who said it would work. fuckkk youuuu! haha now i need a gameboy advance sp with a charger... help?

the not horrible subject, luc feels warm and fuzzy around me, i like this a lot... he makes me blush a lot. he assured me that juno was right when she said preppy hot guys like the weird random girls. he also said hed like something to happen between us, he likes me, i enjoy this.

sunday bitches!

i woke up, sat in bed forever. jamie was supposed to come over but she couldnt which was dumb because i ended up going to lucs house... im getting ahead of myself. anyhow i was on first class and i talked to luc and sean about plans for today, luc wanted to hang out and sean wanted to go to shadows edge so we all made plans. i was supposed to go to lucs house then we were going to go to shadows edge, sen ended up breaking the plans so i just went to lucs house instead. before i went there i went to my moms house to pick up my ds and drop off the new breathe carolina cd and my phone.

i got to lucs house, after fucking up his earth space project we went went to his room and hung out a bit, we ended up going out on the roof after a while. the sun was setting and the roof got me all dirty, he told me a bunch of random/stupid/funny/interesting stuff. i was freezing somehow in his attempts to warm me up we kissed... for a while. it was enjoyable. we talked more, then his mom called him and he had to take me home. he helped my fat ass up and yes there was a kiss at the top then we went back through his window, i hit my head like a dill.

we went downstairs, his parents didnt realize i was still there, i met them, then luc drove me home. i was kind of freaked out, but i honestly felt safer driving with him then i felt with sean, luc gets distraked easier though. we got to my house, he wanted to walk me to the door i told him he was crazy and not to do that because its awkward, i didnt get a kiss before i got out, i was a bit dissapointed honestly.

taylor called and stopped by with some of her friends, one of them didnt like me but the other one did, i think its because im friends with t.j. they left after a while and i came back upstairs, called zach told him to get on, posted a new bubble then called luc and told him to get on. we're all talking still, im pretty sure zach is reading the bubble before this right now. im listening to breathe carolina thinking of everything... im kind of hungry. anyhow that was my day so far... if theres more worth mentioning i'll include it in a new bubble.

to three of the four guys...

i was wrong about some of the things ive said, we've all talked since yesterday morning and though its barely been 24 hours i have different perceptions of each of you. everyone probably knows who the guys are, so im done keeping it a secret. my additions to my old post will be in blue.

im not sorry for having a life and im not sorry for moving on. youve done it just the same, i cant help that you came back at the wrong time. you know that you probably mean more to me than any other guy in the world, you know that there is no possible way for me to forget you, so then why throw these fits? sure youre jealous, ive been jealous too, but the only thing youre getting out of this is a punch to the nuts. i was being incredibly harsh, i just dont want you to whine about me actually having a life without you. youre just doing the same hing i always do. not talking, is not the way to go. you dont think youll come back if you stop, but you will just like you always have. youre not getting off my mailing list, i dont care if it makes you want to talk to me again, i dont want you to leave me to begin with. you know i care about you, it might not be the way it used to be but its still there. i am sorry for everything thats happened recently, but i wouldnt take it back even if i could. i cant let myself like you, you shouldnt let yourself like me, theres always just something wrong with us in a relationship or anything close. i am not a fuck buddy but i will be your friend, even if you dont think youre ready for that yet. i know im a bitch most of the time, and youre a dick most of the time, we never get along, but youre still my friend...

i didnt believe you when you told me you liked me, i still dont. i believe you at first, but i knew it wasnt very much and that i wasnt lucky enough for it to happen. that list is four people too long, i wish i hadnt known the other people on it, i cant talk to you around them and it makes me want to puke when i try. now its honestly hard to talk to you period, our conversations are lacking spunk and words. i figure if im not at the top, then i may as well give up, so heres me giving up. i know we'll just stay the same, the only difference is that we wont talk about us maybe liking each other. i was wrong, we're nothing like we were anymore. i hate this theres nothing interesting to talk about and you ont even tell me why youre sad. you wont have a problem with this and i know it, therefore im not sorry. im completely sorry, by giving up i may have ruined everything, im a huge fuck up.

youre a fucking whore and we both know this. i dont trust you, but im starting to. i trust you. i swear if you fuck me over ill kill you. please dont fuck me over. last night you were in my dream, it was weird, it was just like every conversation ive ever had with a guy i like. just you telling me about how youre in love with this girl and dont know what to do about it anymore. i honestly didnt realize it was a dream until about ten minuets ago. i hope you never get super pissed like you got pissed at the chick you took to the dance, i know i fuck up a lot of things. i dont think you like me and im pretty sure you know you dont otherwise my might not have taken that damn mop to my face. honestly even though we've kissed before im still not convinced you do like me, i just see myself as another girl youve kissed. somehow you remind me of lochlan, but youre a bit more douche-ie than he was, youre a bigger whore too, but youre a huge fucking nerd secretly it makes me feel less awkward around you, the dragons were a nice touch. i kind of admire that. i guess we'll see what happens, if anything happens. i want something to happen, i wonder if you do...

nightmare.

last night i had a dream. i had a whole new family. it was all so weird. i dont remember everything. but i remember walking in the fog while my crazy traveling aunt yelled at me for not speaking to anyone but her. lochlan was there, i almost cried when i woke up. apparently my grandma had died in the basement i slept in. they were cutting up watermelon seeds. i woke up with watermelon taste in my mouth. my dreams are starting to turn into nightmares again, it explains the ethan/zach dream, the luc dream, the josh dream, and now the lochlan dream. i lose.

the homecoming post.

me with the smokey eyes thing.

me and sean in front of some random persons house.

sean driving in the car.

me and sean with the panda at toys r us.

Saturday, woke up around ten and got on first class, talked a bit, posted a blog about a few guys. around 12 i showered and shaved and all that fun stuff while listening to counting crows... it was very calming. got out of the shower, put some random clothes on and started straightening my hair. got it all straight then had my grandma cut and thin it... i was freaking out because i didnt trust her with my hair.... she did good. after that i washed my face with that vibrating cleanser thing, lovvveeee it. then i did my eye make-up, i tried to give myself the smokey eyes you know, i think it worked for the most part. i was blaring one of pink's old cd's at this point, got a call from sean saying he was going ot be on his way, i told him to slow down. painted my nails, took a few pictures, and then sean came over around 5:30. i know i said 5:30 but i ment closer to six. put on my dress and stuff really fast, went downstairs. i think everyone was kinda surprised i looked like a girl. we did the corsage thing and the pictures on the front porch thing then i told sean to leave like fast-ish, we left like slow-ish.

went to show my mom everything, she was at a biker party, took a picture of us at this random guy's house. then she tried to get us a wild wings hook-up... it didnt work. we ended up driving around trying to find kiki's number so that we could crash her and cindy's party at burger king. they pretty much left as we were eating. me and sean ate then left, we saw the lopezs while leaving , ew.

we went across the street to toys r us and fucked around for a long while, i was riding bikes, he was hula hooping, it was funny. after about 45 minuets of toys r us we went to the dance. saw people out front and hung out a bit, then went inside. couldnt find our piece of candy thing all night, damn hoes. they played some shitty-ish music, but it got better as the night progressed... for the crazy black people. we were pretty much all over until we decided to dance. fuckin kiki was all like grind its in your blood, so i did, it wasnt horrible but i hate dancing period so it was a bit much. im more of the jump around act like an idiot dancing person, not a serious slow dance/grinding person.

after the dance was over we went outside and hung out a bit, kept some people company, we didnt end up leaving until around 11:45. we were off to village in, got lost kinda. then we ate pie... mine had nuts on it... FAIL. went to a gas station, sean got shitty energy drink, then we were on the way to my house. he was freaking me out with his driving, nothing new, then i got home. i stole his cd then got all my shit back from his never ending pockets. got a hug, then went inside and talked to my grandparents a bit. they wanted to put my corsage in some shit but i told them to back off because i dont make decisions at 1 int he morning. got upstairs, changed, got on first class, posted a blog. went to sleep. i didnt even was my face... i still have the smokey eyes.

some dinosaur thing at toys r us.

sean hula hooping.

just so you know.

i hate when you long off and dont read my messages, honestly talking to you makes me pretty fucking happy. depending on what you say you can make or break my day. when you log off i stay on to see if you'll get back on, im a loser but i think that may be okay. i guess i just care, too bad you dont. its time for me to start logging off when i want to and not waiting for you, its wasting my time. the best part if you dont know who you are, and if you think this is about you youre probably wrong. youll never get to know and you wont even notice when it happens, because you dont care, and you wont. fuck this im going to bed, the homecoming blog will come tomorrow. fuck you stupid fucking bitches.

fucking pay attention.

every paragraph has a different guy. im not saying guess them, im just saying what i want to say to them right now. some of it is a bunch of shit that makes no sense to anyone but the guy. to the guys reading this, youll know who you are i can grantee it.

im not sorry for having a life and im not sorry for moving on. youve done it just the same, i cant help that you came back at the wrong time. you know that you probably mean more to me than any other guy in the world, you know that there is no possible way for me to forget you, so then why throw these fits? sure youre jealous, ive been jealous too, but the only thing youre getting out of this is a punch to the nuts. not talking, is not the way to go. you dont think youll come back if you stop, but you will just like you always have. youre not getting off my mailing list, i dont care if it makes you want to talk to me again, i dont want you to leave me to begin with. i am sorry for everything thats happened recently, but i wouldnt take it back even if i could. i cant let myself like you, you shouldnt let yourself like me, theres always just something wrong with us in a relationship or anything close. i am not a fuck buddy but i will be your friend, even if you dont think youre ready for that yet.

i didnt believe you when you told me you liked me, i still dont. that list is four people too long, i wish i hadnt known the other people on it, i cant talk to you around them and it makes me want to puke when i try. i figure if im not at the top, then i may as well give up, so heres me giving up. i know we'll just stay the same, the only difference is that we wont talk about us maybe liking each other. you wont have a problem with this and i know it, therefore im not sorry.

you know exactly how i feel, you know that that wont just change. i talk to you every chance i get and youre often the one i fall asleep on the phone with. youre the only person ive stayed up with even while i was brushing my teeth for school, im the only person you talk to for long periods of time. i dont see how this is going to work, you leaving for a few months, then a few years. i know its what you want to do with your life, but i cried hard when cody left fuck im still crying, imagine what itll be like with you. i dont think you understand how attached to you i am, when we dont talk for months i have crazy bitch freak out posts that i title with song lyrics and crying people. you know who you are and you know i love you to fucking death, i know youll read this if i bring it up in a conversation, but its nothing i didnt say two nights ago.

youre a fucking whore and we both know this. i dont trust you, but im starting to. i swear if you fuck me over ill kill you. last night you were in my dream, it was weird, it was just like every conversation ive ever had with a guy i like. just you telling me about how youre in love with this girl and dont know what to do about it anymore. i honestly didnt realize it was a dream until about ten minuets ago. i dont think you like me and im pretty sure you know you dont otherwise my might not have taken that damn mop to my face. somehow you remind me of lochlan, but youre a bit more douche-ie than he was, youre a bigger whore too. i guess we'll see what happens, if anything happens.

oh my god sean lets take it!

today i was tired, nothing new. i had mod 2 open and i got kind of hyper, by the time music rolled around i was shaking and talking to random people. i called down around mod 6 then headed to world history. during the break luc came over and decided to douche out, so i took his pencil and he sat on me, hes a mean face. gave him his pencil back the started drawing random shit on my laptop with a wet erase marker. watched some people get their heads chopped off. then the mod got over, walked down with luc, he asked if i wanted to go over to his house after school, i told him sean would go and he said it was cool. i told him id let him know later and threw a fit when i didnt get a hug, then when i did get a hug some teacher was yelling at us about p.d.a. walked to lit with trevor, then earth space after that, then german for the last 80 minuets of the school day. fucked around like always it wasnt horrible.

once school got out i met sean out front and we gave people rides home then went to my house, i changed then we went to his house, he changed, then to lucs. we parked in his garage ha ha. we were there for a good hour. that hoe totally raped me with his feet, sean too. i was terrified. luc spent the rest of the time with his foot on my chest trying to see my belly ring, i finally just let him win. i think im starting to trust him, well at least more than i did before. we ended up leaving and we gots hugs. honestly part of me wishes he wouldnt have promised not to make a move, im kind of curious to find out what might have happened.

me and sean went to subway, some old chick was staring at us the whole time, i showed him how i could fit my fist in my mouth and my phone too. i ate the foot long sub eating contest, im a fucking pro man. after that we went to joels house again for body paint and such, i didnt use any. they were blacker than me. after that me connor sean and joel went to pick up brooke. the to the game. the game was pretty boring, being in the game was even boring, me cindy and jamie went to cold stone. got nummies. then rand into some high mofos, but its okay because i love me some of dem. we chilled for a while then jamie left. then i couldnt find seans car or sean, i thought they left! i was freaking out, then i found them. yay! we went to brokes to drop her off, then joels to drop him and connor off.

the ride home with sean was scary, rain plus speeding freak equals scared ashley. ha we saw a knocked over green cone thingy for traffic, we picked it up and it is now on my back porch waiting to be hosed off and put in my room. came home and searched for ome - how bizarre, couldnt find it so i went to jango, listened to it and ive been listening to my station since. now im pretty beat like you have no clue, homecoming tomorrow with sean! fun! bww! yus! ha ha the staying out all night doing nothing maybe seeing a movie, i has to look all perty, ew. anyhow, im done typing.

oh wait! theres only a while left before you can vote on my poll, its on the right side of the screen. answer truthfully please, i havent gotten a diss me yet and i know all of you do not want me. kay peoples loves yas!

hey look, i got a belly button!

today, came to school, got to homeroom late. everything was boring until lit, fire drill, hit ben in the nuts. lunch in the deans office, swimming i almost punched joey in the fucking face. earth space, ew. music, blah. acp, bologna. german, kind of funny.

after school, talked to dakota, we're friends again. talked to tomi, she's a sex kitten. hung out with zach, he's my favorite. went to see the bounce house with matt. left, went to buy shoes, got some! they're heels, i didnt want heels but oh well. taking my chocolate to my moms house so she can flash it and getting my ds sometime soon, maybe sunday. went to subway got a nomma nomma sub.

got home, got on the computer, slept for a while. woke up, thought it was later than it is. talked to people. found out luc read my blog from yesterday, embarrassing but when havent i been embarrassed on these damn things? this it the 51st post and i have said some dumb shit. meh whatever. if he reads it again he'll know that i still dont believe him and i dont think i will like ever.

i think i just peed a little.

woke up late, came to school late, got to lit class late. started to fix the fuck-ups i made yesterday with friends. so far today ive only eaten ice cream, i had to eat in the deans office. not talking to certain douche bags still, nothing really eventful happened during the school day, i was on first class a lot.

after school, hung out with ben, we kissed a little, cuddled a bit. not because we like each other, just because we felt like it i guess. had to leave and go to Wednesday night school, some good people were there, some cunts. did nothing the whole time pretty much, during the break me and luc talked and tried throwing a wrapper into each others mouths, he made it in mine but i suck at being black so i lose. we made a deal we wouldnt talk at the beginning of the year because we just annoy each other but he broke the deal. i win at something at least. headed back to the room and all he could talk about over first class was fucking me. he was kidding though ha ha.

went to the pep rally thing but hung out a bit before, sat with jamie for a while, the luc decided he was going to be a douche and play fight with me, i got him in the nuts, yay ashley. ha ha. he left and the rest of us kept hanging out, sean is a hoe. we went inside, watched the whores and football players. i had fun actually. "peel banana, peel peel banana!" it was great. afterwords sean dropped me off at home.

came home, cleaned my room. called zach then josh. got on first class and kept talking to people. luc and i have been having a very interesting conversation. he say he seriously wants to fuck me, i told him unless he plans on dating me for longer than a month too bad, he decided we should go on a date. i laughed and told him it would be weird. he ended up asking why, i told him that im weird, i hang out with the weird kids, we have nothing in common, he just wants in my pants and he doesnt like me like that. he told me that since hes hung out with my friends and i he doesnt think were weird, we could find something in common he wont make a move on me and he does like me. it was very, very, very unexpected. i dont believe him one bit, i guess if i want to break the plans i have a week to do it. he wanted to go out this Friday but im busy all weekend (is it bad to keep a guy waiting like that?). guess we'll see what happens soon enough. i was flipping out, the last thing i expected was to be asked out by luc murphree, god im such a loser. im writing about my date in a blog, can you say movie about a teenage nerd who gets stood up by the fucking hot guy? yus. oh well.

my eyes hurt and everything is a bit more out of focus than normal. i feel like im high but im totally not, unless the brownies my grandma made have bud in em. haha thatd be cool. im gonna eat another than go to sleep. balls? hahaha anyhow, good night night night (that was an echo). gahaha bye.

woah dream.

so im honestly scared by this dream. i was with zach and we found chex mix in the cafeteria, it was like make your own chex mix and eat it with chopsticks. so we put everything in then we found some life to put in it too. so we were eating it and than it changed scenes completely. i was in a truck that belonged to ethan and i gave ethan chex mix with my mouth (ever have one person turn into another but you still call the person by the name they were first? this was one of those things). then we were under a blanket and we were like about to do the humpty hump... i woke up and was like, "huh?" crazy shit man.

fucking fuck fuck!

from now on.

dont tell me youre here for me if i need you.

or call if i need anything.

i know.

im fine.

leave me alone when i need to be left alone.

when i say no talk on the subject i mean all of it.

everything about it.

dont even bring up my fucking day.

everyday is a bad day,

some are just worse than others.

the past two days. you get no detail.

monday.

school was fine i guess, i went home and slept from five to 7am tuesday.

tuesday.

i was in a shitty mood all day. talked to the drug councelor and she thinks im not going to get addicted, shes right. punched people in the nuts, kicked people in the balls. got kicked out, got kicked back in. im done with my mother, my grandpa may have lung cancer, two birds with one stone yay me (im not being sarcastic). drank bleach... spit it back out. ripped up a foot stool thing, puked on my floor from crying. now my head hurts, talking to josh again. tired. night i guess.

party in our minds!

so at 1:09 am ive reached 500 profile views. mini happy dance for zebras dont moo people! :)

1+2=7?

so everyone knows im incredibly dumb and incredibly poor. but i need help. see if i dont pass everything this year i go to a new school, if i dont pass everything this semester i go to a new school. i dont want to go to bryan or south. heres the thing, im really behind in geometry. like i havent done homework since the beginning of the year. i need someone to do my homework for me or give me theirs to copy off of. when i get money ill pay you like 20 bucks because theres a lot. but itd really, really, really help me out and i need this. i suck at making friends, you guys know that. so if youre up for it let me know. please?

nobody puts baby in the corner.

i was watching dirty dancing while i was on first class talking to zach about megan, who else, then we were talking about me, then me and him. as much as i want it to happen its not going to, he says he likes me but i dont compare to her, theres no way to convince me otherwise because i know its true. chazz likes me, hes not so bad, like at all. still we just became friends, i want to stay friends for a while before i jump into anything. two freshman... i usually hate younger guys, weird.

talked to other people, went downstairs to put band-aids on. found the lizzie mcguire movie, now im watching it. i like this movie, its jun, the songs are catchy. i dunno i have a thing for these movies. hillary duff is really to peppy in this movie, its incredibly fake. i want burger king, now.

if you havent voted on my poll please do it and answer honestly, theres about a week left. :)

if i could shoot you all i would.

i took a shower and went to my uncles house. it was my cousin's birthday, you guys should know that already though. there were too many bugs outside so i went inside, watched adventureland, and hid from my family. i watched the cat puke at least four times and ate some pizza. i refused to go outside and be with them and if one of them tried to get me out there id throw some sort of fit so they wouldnt want me out there. my mom was the only one who understood, after a while she came in, sat, and watched the movie with me. i'll never know how the movie ended. we went outside for cake and stuff, after i went back inside. the bugs went away after a while so i went back out and hung with my mom, i stubbed my toe or something because it was bleeding, i stepped on something too because theres a hunk of skin missing on the bottom of my foot. i went inside and put shit on it. i went back outside, my mom was leaving, she took my phone to get it fixed. she talked to me about school, my grandmother chimed in like the know it all bitch she is. i walked away and went inside, cried a bit, then decided it wasnt worth it and went outside to swing.

as i was walking out my aunt was walking in. i was still pissed at her for calling me fat, we had a long talk while she was on the toilet about how she didnt say that and that my cousin just said i was tall (we've always fought over who was taller). i believe her, my mom always said my grandmother was evil, i believe her. i cried a bit more. went outside, hung out a bit, played some basketball alone. my grandpa was playing guitar, most annoying thing ever.

we left, on the ride home my grandpa was dissing mexicans and their driving, i said it was inappropriate, he said it was true, i said it was stereotypical, he said it was true. i said okay then all black people must have guns and shoot people then too, he said yes. i told him i was black and that i handt shot him yet, he said id hope not. in my mind i said fuck i wish i could shoot this raciest fuckass. i went straight to my room.

i started writing a blog, about how i want to be alone. how i dont want friends or family, how i dont want to hear about the good, bad, and average things in peoples lives. about how if i could shoot you all i would, but i cried instead, deleted it, and wrote this. as of right now im sick of life, i wont kill myself, but i wish i had the guts to do it.