holy hell it exists!

last night i realized

i was alive when there were 151 Pokémon

i was alive when Pluto was a planet

i feel old

really old

i have no plans for today

which sucks because its Halloween

i bet i could call josh still

i don't think i want to though

it wouldn't feel totally right

i just watched Constantine

now the butterfly effect is on

two amazing movies on in a row

i thank you FX

tomorrow I'm going to some castle

my grandma asked me to go

it should be...

interesting i suppose

who knows anymore

my throat hurts like a bitch

i've been feeling sick again since thursday

maybe going out in the rain

was a bad idea

whatever i guess

and if i fell in love, i never meant to.

i had a dream that you're gay, that Austin wasn't lying, that you made a bucket list for only me to see. that coming out was on your list, and i cried. I've never hurt as bad as i did in that moment, in that dream, it's insane. you read my message last night at 3:10 AM, no reply, and I'm still left wondering. i shouldn't be, i gave up on you, yet here i am still thinking that maybe you want me back too. I'm pathetic again, I'm bitchy again, I'm everything i was before plus depressed, i suck at life without you right now. i really liked being with you, even when we weren't dating. our little adventures, getting lost, trying not to get caught kissing by my grandma. every time I've ever had with you was amazing. how am i supposed to just let something so amazing in my life go, i cant just let it all go, your roof, the church, the stop sign... i don't want it to be gone. i wasn't happy before you, i went for 10 months without being happy, now I'm stuck not being happy again. you have no idea how i feel about you, i cant even begin to explain how i feel about you, honestly it scares me. i found someone i feel this way about after lochlan which is insane, now its over and I'm stuck giving up on you. this isn't going to work, that's something I'm sure of, as much as it seems i need to i can't just give up that easily. maybe Ben was right, ask you out, get a yes and be happy, get a no and have the closure i need. plus it's not like my situation here can get any worse.

almost the exact same as a coke withdrawal.

i knew this would happen

ditch someone for another person

ditch the other person for the next

and ditch the next for the newest

then have the newest get grounded

because of you

Halloween plans

i have none

i don't mind

I'll sleep

maybe scare little kids who piss me off

who knows

talked to luc

the conversation consisted of this

me asking if the Halloween plans are going to happen

him saying no and telling me hes grounded

me feeling bad and asking if we could talk

him saying no and logging off

it could be because hes grounded

or because he felt like being a dick

i said this

"okay

i was going to ask if i should give up

not try and get you back

not end up hurt again

and not do the crap we've been doing

i don't know if you've gotten off because you don't want to talk

or because you're grounded

but I'm giving up

i like you but you...

i don't know

if you ever want me back try

if not

then don't

maybe we'll still be cool..."

he wont try to get me back

i don't expect it

i cried after i sent it

talked to Ben and Gabe

Gabe says good for me

Ben says he could come back

Ben told me to ask him out

considering i already lost him

he says i cant lose him more

plus there's no wondering

there's yes and date or no and closure

he's right but I'm thinking no

I'm going to go to bed

cry

then sleep

then wake up

cry

then fall asleep again

Halloween weekend is fucked up now

thanks karma

thanks luc

thanks life

in my field paper flowers.

i realize i do this

i don't talk

i don't think

i do nothing except for maybe sleep

four hours

to get away from it all

my family hates it

but life's a nightmare

i'd rather be in my own imaginary world

thank you into depth a bit more evanescence

--------------------------

imaginary

i linger in the doorway

of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name

let me stay

where the wind will whisper to me

where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story

in my field of paper flowers

and candy clouds of lullaby

i lie inside myself for hours

and watch my purple sky fly over me

don't say i'm out of touch

with this rampant chaos - your reality

i know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge

the nightmare i built my own world to escape

in my field of paper flowers

and candy clouds of lullaby

i lie inside myself for hours

and watch my purple sky fly over me

swallowed up in the sound of my screaming

cannot cease for the fear of silent nights

oh how i long for the deep sleep dreaming

the goddess of imaginary light

in my field of paper flowers

and candy clouds of lullaby

i lie inside myself for hours

and watch my purple sky fly over me

----------------------------------

i noticed a long time ago i feel like a lot of their lyrics

whiney and emo as it may be

if i had to think of a band to summarize my life

it'd be them

at least when im sad they would

still even happy they would i think

i never dont feel like listening to them

damn you amy lee

ahhhhhhhhh!

oh my gosh

my stomach is going insane

i messaged a number i didnt recognize on my aol account

i just realized it was lochlan

i cant un-send it like you can on first class

i hope he forgets my email address

i hope he doesnt reply

why make things more horrible between us

im such a fucking idiot

i cant believe this just happened

i can seriously hear my heartbeat in my ears

i can feel it in my tummy

its a good thing im laying down

i dont freak out as bad

ahhhhhh fuck

get ready for the bettys.

hi I'm ashley

i happen to be going insane

I'm angry

I'm tired

I'm deprived of answers

plus my glasses are in luc's car

then again I've been insane for a while now

something always pisses me off

I'm always sleepy

i don't expect to be getting an answer soon

maybe if i go to his house tomorrow I'll get my glasses

AUSTIN

sure I'm whiny and i bitch a lot

just know that you have to get the fuck over it

plus its not like we talk anyhow

i let things in the past bother me

even if it'll only hurt me

i can't forget and i wouldn't if i could

even if i hate it

so go shove another dick up your ass or something

honestly Hun you aren't worth my time

maybe that's why i was so hostile towards you in the fourth grade

i must have come to the future and saw this happening

BEN

my life

what i do

is not your business

I'm not going to tell you something simply because you want to know

you don't get that privilege here

i don't enjoy making you mad

so leave me alone when i tell you to back off

don't call me a bitch because i wont tell you

i will hit you in the face like i did earlier today

it doesn't involve you so stay out of it

jump to conclusions all you want

although i can tell you now that it isn't worth it

LUC

you don't get to touch my hair anymore

you had that privilege when we were dating

now you don't because we're not together

you kind of drove me insane yesterday

with the stop sign thing which i loved

the driving badly to mess with me that I'm learning to get used to

the garage/church wall in the rain it was kind of amazing

the car not so much

then again i owed you

please figure things out

preferably before tomorrow when/if i got to your house

GABE

I'm in love with you now

my brand new husband

listen here freshman

if you divorce me i will castrate you

tehehe i love you Jewish band kid

that's the end

do it man best you can driver's in the hippie van.

urgh

last night i got home

ate some cookies and chips

texted luc

then fell asleep

i tried to stay awake

plus every time id try and stay awake

it'd make me fall asleep more

i didn't get any homework done

oh well

Ben is reading this as i type it

i guess I'm not mad at him anymore

he isn't too much of a douche bag

ha ha

design next

i was supposed to work on it last night

but someone made me go to a certain club that smelled like sweaty balls

I'm not even kidding

it smelled horrible

then luc took me home

after we went to Iowa and to a church

also the McDonald's drive through

without money

urgh

its not what they said.

i fucked up

i probably should have known

i dont want this

i wont ever want this

you make me happy

when we talk my stomach freaks out

last night i couldnt sleep because of it

you know i cannot do this though

not if its going to be how it is now

i was going to give you a week

although the obvious changes things

i wont be your fuck buddy

i wont be your friend with benefits

i wont be your go to girl when it comes tho this

ive been hurt before

hell ive been hurt by you before

i cant let it happen again anytime soon

stop saying that you dont know and give me an answer

you know what i have to offer

you know how i feel

you know what i want you to do

that doesnt mean you have to though

i guess all im really saying is i cant just do this

i cant kiss you and hold your hand

not while you dont know what you want

so tell me what we are already because i was not made for all this

halloween?

thinking a bit

mainly about my halloween plans

they seem to change often

first trick-or-treating

then haunted housing

now movie marathon

i hate the way plans change sometimes

i mean i dont right now

im kind of happy about it for right now

but like i said im thinking

not the best idea

ever

so my thoughts on trick-or-treating

i dont like candy

i never really have

i dont have a costume or money for a costume

and i hate doing it period

i dont want to dress up just to go out in the cold

my thoughts on haunted housing

i love them

i want to get scared

but id be going with josh

josh and his friends

which would be incredibly weird

only because i know how josh feels about me

right now i can say i dont feel the same and it would be so awkward

my thoughts on the movie marathon

i want to go over to lucs

but i dont want to do things

not sexual things anyhow

im not sure how this will work

actually im sure it wont work

i just cant be the girl he only does things with

im in it all or nothing

friends with benefits is not an option at this point

stick that in your juice box and suck it.

so i got bored

decided on posting pictures

here they is
there was a sexy video but it was a no go

♥

LUNCH WITH ERIC AND ALICIA!

ISS DRAWING ON DESKS!

ME BEING BORED AS HELL!

i wanna be a kennedy.

i finally finished my blog

i like its new look

its less

"normal teenaged girl with bright colors and funny faces"

more

"I'm ashley i can be sophisticated while being a normal teenaged girl with funny faces"

plus i don't get a headache when i look at it

anyhow

my day was okay

i woke up late

got ready in ten minuets

which is unusual because i fell asleep at 8:3 last night

i saw paranormal activity and found out it wasn't worth the money my mom payed

it was somewhat predictable

went to my classes and almost killed my acp teacher because she's a dumb cunt and i hate her

almost cussed out my lit teacher because she wouldn't shut up and leave me alone

i think i failed my geometry test just because of the first few questions

they reminded me too much of algebra which i suck at

the proofing i passed for sure though because I'm just that fucking amazing

eventually i had earth space and switched ipods with alex mason

i love his music

had world history then choir

both with Shira

i was hyper and i kinda-ish got in trouble for it

but oh well, its not like I'm surprised about it

stayed after school to work on my design project

hung out a bit after

my mom pissed me off in the car

i got home took a bunch of food for tonight

then went to my room

watched tv

edited my blog with help from the lovely Chrissy-Pooh

nobody else gets to call him that or i will kill you

decided i want to go to the breathe carolina and Donovan might come with me

exciting

texted Sean and Luc to see if they wanted to go

Luc and I kind of made other plans for halloween instead

Sean hasn't texted me back yet but I'm sure he'll want to go because we both love breathe carolina

Hayden texted me!

amazing surprise since i lost his number

I miss him and AuBerry too

they were pretty good kissers ha ha

I'm sure I'll see them christmas because Hayden already said we would

i plan ahead of time bitches

DAKOTA'S BIRTHDAY TODAY!

i haven't called him yet

i still need to give him his amazing present on top of that

i think it'll be funnier to call him when he's completely wasted tonight

it benefits me more when it comes to laughs and giggles

i took pictures a few minuets ago

i don't know how well i'll like them

but I'm sure we'll see soon

♥

TO CINDY:

I'm not fucking friends with you

i haven't been for a while

i didn't like it when you stole my posts before

what makes you think i wont kick your ugly little fucking ass for it now

if i could set up my profile and my blog to where you couldn't see it

i would

in a heartbeat

i wanted to steal something from your blog to get even

until i realized it was a piece of shit that was all stolen ideas

fuck off and leave me alone bitch

(i don't mind if anyone else steals it though if we're friends)

TO ZACH:

no i didn't fucking write on your locker

its shit like that which makes me mad

i've never done anything to fuck with you before

except text girls from your phone

writing on your locker

posting comments from anonymous

its not my style

if I'm mad at you enough i'll punch you in the face

if i hate you i'll punch you in the kidney

plus when i have something to say that may be unpleasant

i'll say it to your fucking face dipshit

we've went down this road before

why must i repeat myself

get a fucking brain and remember this kind of shit

kay fuckface?

(I'm not pissed, I'm just annoyed as fuck at you)

blam bitch

my blog is under construction

if you haven't noticed

I'm not posting anything until I'm done with it

it may be hours

it may be days

I'll be sure to send out a first class message when it's done

♥ Ashley ♥

i know you wont admit this, but i am just a silhouette to you.

i suppose i should put the large moments of the past couple days on here.

talked to Phil last night after i hung up on josh, told Ben to stay the fuck out of my life because he doesn't help anything. typed a blog with the first paragraph aimed at luc and sent him a message saying to read it. went to sleep, woke up. got ready, brushed my teeth last and my electric toothbrush made me puke... i had to re brush which sucked. listened to swimming with dolphins, it put me in a "fuck i don't care what happens either way, fuck if i died right now id be happy because i love these people so much" mood.

read my messages in homeroom, went to my classes. today wasn't horrible. my classes were dull and by the end of the day i had no homework. checked my messages before we got out of school, had a message from luc saying take it, i almost pissed myself. i didn't think he'd know what he was talking about and I'm still pretty sure he doesn't, i texted him asking if we were like going out and his reply was idk, fucking dandy. I'm going to leave him alone and let him figure all this stuff out, he'll tell me when hes ready to tell me, i like not freaking out.... its more.... calming.

hung out with my mom, fought with her then went to see paranormal activity. it was.... not good. i jumped maybe twice, pure disappointment, the only good thing was going to McDonald's after. got in another fight with my mom, came home and found out nobodies here, they went out to eat. I'm thinking of going to bed right now honestly, I'm so tired.

i just found out that the dude from swimming with dolphins and owl city are the same guy.

explains why i like owl city.

I'm still happy nobody else knows about the better band.

makes me feel more special that i know their few songs.

Scoobs you're going back to the pound!

i puked this morning

brushing the back of my tongue

not so amazing

i had to re-brush my teeth

it was yucky

I'm going to puke again right now

just because i gave up

now i stopped giving up

not giving up makes me nervous

paranormal activity tonight

with my mom

i hope its as scary as josh said

i hope i pee myself

at least a little

i haven't had a good scare in a long time

sometimes you need to know when to let go.

I'm letting go

wait to have this backfire on you dumb ass

stop being jealous about this

i know we're both single

i know what i said before and i know i didn't mean it

i don't want you

so just stop

why don't you try for janak's ex again

you have a better chance with her than you have with me right about now

a simple answer

not a lecture

its all i asked for

and you couldn't do it

I'm sick of this

i hate you and i mean it

we just became friends again and you already fucked it up

like always

no more

hope you have fun being single for the rest of your life

dont you want to feel my bones, on your bones, its only natural.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably not getting Luc back. i mean he doesn't like me and as much as i wish i could change that i don't think i can. I'm trying to give him space, not talk to him often, let him do what he wants when it comes to our conversations. i want to talk and i want to tell him not to stop texting me but it just seems so pointless, i mean he never even stayed when we were dating. i would settle for friends with benefits because at least id feel like i still meant something to him, but i wouldn't mean anything to him because I've been down that road with other guys. i don't compare to the girls hes been with and i know I'm nothing like them, I'm sure that if i was it'd be different but its not and i cant change to be them. i can stop being a bitch, i can stop being more dramatic than needed, i can stop being clingy and needy when it isn't the right time, and i can definitely stop being so annoying and chill the fuck out. I'm not thinking hard about this anymore because I'm sick of getting stressed out, its one of my new things... try in school, don't get stressed, control my anger/bitchiness, and stop being so damn pathetic all the time because it annoys everyone even myself. anyhow, this is what i have to offer, he can take it or leave it i guess.

talking to Taylor, I'm becoming more confused every second. he says he still likes me which is insane because i thought the thing between me and him was over last summer. he was so busy with school and work, i mean it was so difficult. i don't know if id be able to date him, id never see him and that would not go by well. plus id never be able to trust him because he is so much older and he is in collage and does have a life. another thing, i don't like short guys that much at all, and I'm tall for a chick so that takes out half the people i know. Taylor is 5'7" I'm 5'9" i don't enjoy this idea, then again we have known each other for the past three years and I'm sure i could get past it, fuck who knows.

josh, ugh josh. i know you think you love me but you don't. you have so much more ahead of you, boot camp in march, turning 19 just before. there will be girls and parties and things i know i wont be able to handle. you piss me off too much and i know it wouldn't work out, you're one of my best friends and i hate the fact i cant tell you things because i worry about hurting you, it shouldn't be like this. where we are now, hanging out and talking about stupid random things, is where we're going to stay, friends.

i could keep going down the list, but i don't feel like it right now.

maybe another time.

dont let me fall asleep.

in all honesty I'm not in a blog writing mood, but here it goes, whatever. i had iss and i did homework, me and Loretta worked on our world history and i actually got a lot of work done. i didn't do my research paper still because I'm lazy, tomorrow i will get bitched at and fuck i don't mind. listened to music on my ipod, listened to music on my laptop, read mlia, and played Pokemon the whole time. i got farther in that game in one hour than i got in three weeks ha ha. i had no cellphone signal which sucked but oh well.

mom picked me up, we went to the bank and then Wendy's. we thought about going to see paranormal activity really quick but instead we went back to my house and i slept. i just woke up about 20 minuets ago to find ghost whisperer on my TV. I'm incredibly thirsty and I'm super tired, hell i even have to pee and I'm honestly not in a talkie talkie mood. the few of you who i want to talk to message me, you guys know who you are.

back in black? i think yes.

my backup blog

http://ashleyyymoo.xanga.com/weblog

read to see what happened last weekend and stuff

everywhere you look im, standing in the spotlight.

oh my goodness

i would have never known if jamie had never sent out that message

my baby is unblocked

i dont know how ling this will last

but i know im happy as a clam right about now

my posts from xanga on here right now

smiley face :)

*whistles and motions*

last night we talked

it involved me asking questions

and you replying with idk

not the best conversation I've ever had

I'm going to try and make this as painless for me as possible

which means no crying

no worrying

and acting like nothing bad has happened

you haven't dumped me

why act like you have

and when you do

I'm still going to stick to what i just said

this high school bullshit just isn't worth it

talked to joshy bear last night

i told him everything

he said that you're just a guy

and i wanted to say that you're more

but you're really not

he still loves me and i sort of find it repulsing

i mean i love him as a friend

maybe even a best friend

but i know his thought process and the way he works

its not right for me

then again this whole thing isn't perfect for me either

i teared up in world history

it wasn't my greatest moment

i kind of wanted to talk to you

but then i figured if you wanted to speak to me

you would have come over and spoken to me

i just realized that this whole bubble

has been pointed at you

every single part of it

and its annoying me

i don't even know if you care enough to read this anymore

i guess

this means i need to write a new bubble

start over

i hate starting over

there's more to life then being alive.

I'm not going to fucking cry

i wont let myself

I'm sick of not knowing though

dump me if you're going to

but do it over first class just in case

i don't know what my reaction will be

if you're not going to dump me

then talk to me

i know you're going to

I've known since early morning yesterday

i had a dream about crying and writing a blog

how emo is that

I'm not going to let myself turn into that though

don't draw this out though

I'm sick of this kind of shit going on

my tunes is being nice right now

either i have an amazing collection of sad ass songs

or the shuffle is reading my mind

who knows

by the way I'm not going to break up with you

no regrets

if i do it I'll regret it

and I'm not in the mood to regret anything

please explain yourself

this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs, and this is an exploding fucking peep!

when eleven came around last night i called koda, we talked until about 4:30 this morning. we played the best joke ever on Alex mason, he was scarred as shit, it was so funny. talked about the Cindy Katie thing, he doesn't like Katie anymore which is fucked up, but from what i hear he doesn't like Cindy too much anymore either. woke up late but only to homeroom texted luc and koda in the car, didn't talk to luc for the rest of the day until i asked him if he wanted to come see me, he never did, and koda i talked to until lit large.

geometry, good did homework the norm. design, wrote a paper took forever to print it off, was 20 minuets late to lit large group, had lunsford message heitman. lit large, heitman bitched me out about being late and didn't buy my excuse... too bad it was the truth bitch. open, hung out with Jake Jake and Damian, found out they're cousins... explains things. swimming, didn't swim but nobody really did, screwed around with the good freshman, wanted luc to come see me but he didn't... sad day. earth space, did all the work and still got bitched at by fauss, i don't understand his fucking problem. choir, boring barely sang or joked around with shira, still didn't talk to luc he didn't even do the eyebrow raise thing... i think somethings up. assigned to micek, got a lot of work done, soon I'll be caught up. German, found my German books which means i found my porn, talked to Eric and Aidan the whole time and copied Eric's workbook.

left school, hung outside attempted to get Zach in the nuts with his own drumstick. it was cold and wet like an Eskimo's vagina. mom came and picked me up, we talked and went to the bank, texted luc and got no answer. i honestly wish i knew what was going on in his mind, I'm not going to make a fuss though, whatever happens happens. came home, took off the outer layer of clothing, now I'm in my boxers and my tee shirt, fun shit. thinking of sleeping, who knows, I'm not exactly in the mood to talk anyhow.

they call her love love love love love

went to school late-ish and didn't go to lit because i would have been so late. went to math, got called into the deans, they found out that i left 13-14 yesterday and that i skipped lit. i have iss Monday and had detention today, i didn't mind though. worked on math with Morgan when i got back, called my mom because i needed to tell her about my iss and detention. she told me i couldn't go to lys's party but she said nothing about anything else this weekend which is a plus. went back to the courtyard and ate lunch with Jake Alicia Eric Johnnie Kennedy and Kiki, i really didn't eat i just kind of hung out.

German after that, Kiki took Eric backpack, i got the laptop... fun times. German wasn't so amazing, earth space after that, got yelled at again for doing absolutely nothing. saw some pictures on Alex masons phone of... disturbing things, until i realized that it was a time he didn't cum, then it just made my day. design next, someone moved the still life, and did a critique thing... mine got held up because apparently it has good value. lunsford knew about me leaving and told me not to smoke... i told her i don't smoke because i don't, her and Jim both got on my case all day but apparently its because they care. i asked Jim and m.j. to bring me good food in iss Monday, they said hell no i get water and bread... I'm taking in McDonald's. world history, had the discussion, my group was so awkward.

choir, sang dumb songs and the lion king, like 7 altos said not yet when its supposed o be said in i just cant wait to be king... chicks with low voices think alike? luc stayed home today i think, i don't know we haven't talked at all today which is kind of weird but I'm cool with it. was assigned to earth space mod 14, apparently he'll count you unexcused but you don't get detention for it, I'm going to take advantage of this i think. detention was detention, Loretta was there which is weird, did math homework and made one of her sketches my background on my phone.

left with my mom, i wasn't in much trouble. talked a bit, got home, went upstairs and talked a bit. fell asleep and started to do homework then decided id pay someone else to do it instead, you have to give me points for trying to do well, ill get a better grade with her paper than i would with my own. talked to Katie about things, now I'm on first class. I'm supposed to call koda at like eleven, he fucked up and i need to talk to him about it, i think I'm going to eat food since I've had none all day.

summer days, lost my mind.

a bubble saying i will write a bubble later?

why yes it is.

i'll bubble later...

oh and this is me rubbing my proxys in your faces

once again.

win!