i had a dream that you're gay, that Austin wasn't lying, that you made a bucket list for only me to see. that coming out was on your list, and i cried. I've never hurt as bad as i did in that moment, in that dream, it's insane. you read my message last night at 3:10 AM, no reply, and I'm still left wondering. i shouldn't be, i gave up on you, yet here i am still thinking that maybe you want me back too. I'm pathetic again, I'm bitchy again, I'm everything i was before plus depressed, i suck at life without you right now. i really liked being with you, even when we weren't dating. our little adventures, getting lost, trying not to get caught kissing by my grandma. every time I've ever had with you was amazing. how am i supposed to just let something so amazing in my life go, i cant just let it all go, your roof, the church, the stop sign... i don't want it to be gone. i wasn't happy before you, i went for 10 months without being happy, now I'm stuck not being happy again. you have no idea how i feel about you, i cant even begin to explain how i feel about you, honestly it scares me. i found someone i feel this way about after lochlan which is insane, now its over and I'm stuck giving up on you. this isn't going to work, that's something I'm sure of, as much as it seems i need to i can't just give up that easily. maybe Ben was right, ask you out, get a yes and be happy, get a no and have the closure i need. plus it's not like my situation here can get any worse.
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