if i treated you the way you deserve, then maybe i would never be hurt.

LOOK HERE NEGROS, I'M HAVING ANOTHER SELF-OBSESSED MOMENT.

HAH!

I can't remember anything, what's your name? i don't give a fuck, i don't give a fuck.

*BUMMER*

I can’t even try to humiliate myself, yeah, I can’t try out for cheerleading. It’s all because of my past… since I’ve had a horrible beginning to my high school career when it comes to academics my GPA is incredibly low, which sucks because I’m actually trying now and my grades are currently far above average. It makes me wonder if it’s always going to be like this, if my freshman year is always just going to bring me down, I hope not. I guess there are more ways to embarrass myself at this school, I mean I could try out to be a show queer (no offence to my gay friends, tons of offence to ‘the douche fag’) or I could try out for color guard (that’s the funny looking flag thing right?) either way I’m sure I’ll find something to get me to where I’m supposed to be right now.

*AND I THINK THAT I’M STARTING TO SCARE MYSELF*

Right now it’s 5:14 AM and I’ve only slept two hours, I went to bed at midnight like a good little Ashley then woke up at two, what the flank? It’s truly pissing me off. When I was asleep all I could do was dream about a book series I’ve been reading, not just picturing it in my head, but reading the words in the book (I made up what happened to the characters in my dream, but I’m still bugged out that I dreamed about reading.) I’m more of a loser than I thought I was, it’s saddening really. Though I think this book series is different than any other I’ve read, never before have I felt physical I’m-going-to-puke pain when I read something bad that happened. I’ve worried, I’ve felt breathless during the forbidden kiss scene, I’ve cried when something bad happens, but I’ve never panicked to that extent while reading. Plus it pisses me off like no book ever has; actually I think getting caught up in the book is a better way of saying it. (You know when you have a dream that someone was trying to kill you or your friends and then you wake up and your still pissed at them, then you see them later in the day and you’re just a complete dick to them because of that dream? Like that.) I was reading and I was really pissed at someone in the book because of some bullshit thing they did or said, then my mom came down and asked me a question and I gave her the bitch-I-will-fucking-kill-you-if-you-say-anything-to-me stare, then I freaked out for a second when I realized what was happening.

*QUICK QUESTION*

We imagine what’s happening while we read, right? I don’t completely understand how, because when I read and get really into it I’m reading it but I don’t see the words at all through the movie in my head. It’s like I know what I’m reading and that it’s right but I don’t see it, then I come out of it when I have to turn the page or something, is it like that for anyone else or am I just crazy? I sincerely hope it isn’t the second.

*SHOUT OUTS*

Shout out to the ex, Mr. Ben Oltman. His birthday happens to be today, THUMBS UP BITCH YOU’RE SIXTEEN… this is your present because I don’t care enough about you to get you something real. Oops, did I say that out loud? (It’s really because I have no money and no idea what you’d want anyway, and because I’m not going to do anything physical with you (EW!) no offence). I hope you don’t choke on birthday cake.

Yesterday (the 21^st) was my half brothers birthday; I know this because I got in touch with a cousin of mine on my father’s side. I always felt wrong saying had siblings that I don’t know so I say I’m an only child, I was raised alone and I still haven’t met them, that should count for something. Anyway it makes me feel somewhat guilty acting like they don’t exist when I now know a lot about them, so James Happy 6^th (I think you’re turning six…) Birthday, and I just realized you have the same name as Laurens brother…

*WHICH REMINDS ME…*

Speaking of Laurens brother, Lauren can see me dating him; it makes me laugh a little. She said it’s because we both enjoy video games and a bit of anime, and because I said he was cute like once a year or so ago. (I was still going through my ‘I like nerdy guys’ phase not yet in my ‘emo kids are cute’ phase.) I mean honestly I could maybe see myself dating him (Yes I just saw all of you that know James cringe at the thought), but not currently… back then. My taste in guys has changed yet again, surprise, surprise.

*UGH, MORE THINKING*

So I just went into this whole long thing on what I want in a guy, but I’ve decided that if you want to know what I like you can see for yourself, so I deleted it. Really it wasn’t just about the next boyfriend or whatever, it was turning into a ‘my perfect guy would have…’ kind of thing and I don’t like that. I guess I will help out whoever is interested by saying I wont tell you I like you if I do, I’ll be to scared to mess everything up between us or change your image of me, so if you really like me you’ll have to tell me first. Ha maybe I should make boyfriend applications, just for

Is it still me who makes you sweat, am I who you think about in bed?

So I’m pretty sure we all know that I got my computer taken away for “inspection” recently because of an “incident”. But still not all of my friends can keep up with the pace of my life so I’ll explain. Last week on formspring someone randomly decided to call one of my friends ugly and sluttish and what not, so me being the amazing person I am stood up for her. I talked about how she was the opposite of what this person was saying and that I’d shoot whoever said it (not being serious, I mean come on I’m not really homicidal), still tech got involved and took my computer because apparently it was “in violation of the user agreement”. Here’s the catch, all of the stuff I said to defend my friend was on my home computer, so they checked it and it turns out I was telling the truth. I think I’m allowed to say HAH. Though since they still suck they decided to delete everything on my computer, my homework, my photos, my music, everything… and they scraped off my stickers. I would have taken off the stickers myself and I would have backed up all of my stuff if Jim hadn’t demanded my computer right away. I’m so incredibly pissed off about this, I’m responsible and they could have realized that before they messed up everything on my laptop, tech support are a bunch of imaginary friends named Dick that hide in men’s pants. If anybody has any good stickers my one lonely sponge bob $1,000 bill sticker is pretty lonely… by the way those of you who remember my blues clues sticker, I got that on me and Lochlans first date along with some other sponge bob dollar stickers, intense right?

In other news winter formal was pretty okay, it’s not what I was expecting by any means but it was “ight”. I kept seeing douche-fag around which was really annoying, but I dealt the best I could (I made myself the center of attention, it’s better than having all of my attention be on him). He was with her, surprise surprise (I honestly don’t mind her, I just don’t like the fact that she’s with him. She’s too pretty, too witty, and too spontaneous to be with him… I just think he doesn’t deserve her. I mean sure he’s gorgeous but he’s a douche/nerd/up-tight/loser.). Hung out with people, got super pissed at the end of the night, but it was the end of the night so the whole day wasn’t totally fucked. I had my hair curled and I had on a prettyfull dress, I received lots of complements which made me feel… well happy, I think it gave me too much confidence (hah, no such thing). Mitch should have won battle of the bands, I wanted to go up there and pull a Kanye saying that he was the best of all time and that I’d give the microphone back in a second.

So my friend likes this guy who I’m pretty good friends with, and he likes her too. The only thing is that she’s worried that he’d get made fun of if her ever really hung out with her because let’s face it, her friends are douche bags. I honestly think that it’ll crack him a bit but I know he’ll be able to deal with it over time; he’s a strong boy. I also think that if he really likes her he’ll do pretty much anything to be with her and make it work. The only thing that really worries me is his previous relationship and the fact that he bounces around thinking he likes someone that he doesn’t because he’s trying to get over the love of his life, though I know she’s getting over a lot of feelings too, they may be just right for each other… or they could hurt each other more. I just hope it all works out, even if I do think she could have better taste, especially in the looks department.

Along with talking about crushes, I think I may have a couple of my own. I’m sure that they’re nothing I’ll act on because I don’t know if I’m ready and I don’t think they’d like me. Something about me being ten times less attractive than all of the other girls in the school worries me, I guess I just don’t want more stress in my life whether it’s from crush drama or worrying about my looks, it’s not worth it. I mean they’re pretty boys, immature boys, flirty boys, everything I don’t need, so I don’t think it’ll be too hard to forget about. Maybe when they grow up a bit they’ll come see me.

Turned in my cheerleading permission forms today, it made things more real; I’m worried but excited still. Oh and in case I don’t post this until way later, today is Tuesday the 16th. I think I’m done with this for tonight, I wish I had pizza, ciao.

And I know that it’s so cliché to tell you that everyday I spend with you is the new best day of my life.

*JUST SO YOU KNOW*

You were always beautiful kid, you still take my breath away when I see you, not that I see you often. It’s just that something has changed and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to see you the same way I used to, but still I don’t think I want to anyhow. It’s just different from what I’m used to, being so completely drawn to you and yet so repulsed. I Honestly don’t think I would have fallen for you if you would have looked like you could hurt me like you did, not the worst hurt I’ve ever felt but enough to make me question myself. I hate to think that I gave you this much power over me, though I take pride in regaining that power and bettering myself in the process… plus who cares it’s just high school relationship drama bullshit anyway. I’ll live, I mean, I always do.

*A LITTLE CONFUSION*

So I think I want a relationship, but then again I think most people in the world do. The thing is I don’t know if I’m ready. It’s not because I’m not over somebody, it’s just that my life is finally coming together. People always said that I needed to focus on school and get my priorities straight, I’ve always made my current relationship my main priority over everything else, I don’t know if I’ve reached the point to where I can fully focus on what I need to if I am dating someone. I’m a little confused, but I think I have the right to be in this situation, I don’t think anybody knows anything about what they want for sure right now. Though I think I’ve decided that it’s just one of those things where I’ll wait to see what happens. If someone I like just happens to like me then I’ll see where things go from there, but until then I’m not going to try and find a relationship… it’s really not worth looking for when I have other things I need to focus on.

*A LITTLE FURTHER INTO THE PLANS*

So winter formal with Elyssa, I think we’re going to Ashtons house at some point in time and going out to eat at another. I’m hoping Lauren will be taking part in these events but who knows, I really know that I need to figure it all out by next weekend otherwise I’m fucked. I also know that I need to figure out how much tickets cost and what I do to get them, this will be a confusing week and a half, but it’ll all be worth it in the end. Oh and for your information Elyssa is just one of my best friends, we’re not homosexual together… and no she doesn’t go to Westside, she goes to Millard South.

*I’D STILL KILL FOR YOU GUYS THOUGH*

Thayne is leaving this weekend to go to a correctional center in Reno, all because he stole a pack of cigarettes. I knew my friends were idiots, but fuck I didn’t know they were retarded. Don’t get caught, or just don’t steal. I’ve stolen things from people but nothing that really matters, a huge ass key here a few dollars from a lost wallet there, never anything from a store. I think my friends are worse than I am… the funny thing is I always used to be the bad one.

*I’M ALLOWED TO HAVE RANDOM THOUGHTS*

Sometimes I wish I lived inside a strobe light. I’d always be where the fun is, the crazy techno dance music, the sex and drugs, and the bubbly feeling of being more alive than ever before. I’d never see the whole picture; I’d only see what happens when the light flashes on, but maybe I don’t want to see everything… maybe knowing less is better. It’d be different, yet it may be the same as it always is; it’s hard to know for sure considering I don’t live in a strobe light.

*A BIT OF PUPPY BUSINESS*

Just another thing, a little thing. I just mentioned to my mom when I get a puppy I’m taking it to a trainer like we did to my first dog. She told me to make sure I get a boy dog. Honestly I’m happy she knows I’m getting a puppy, but I wish she wouldn’t try to make it hers. I don’t want a boy, I don’t want a boxer, it’s my dog and she needs to stop trying to take it over before we’ve even gotten it. I’ll train it, I’ll feed it, I’ll walk it, and it’ll sleep with me in my basement… not her. I need this dog to be mine, it’s the whole point of getting it and if she’s going to ruin it for me I don’t even want it to begin with.

Call Me Mr.Flinstone I Can Make Your Bed Rock.

*DEEPER THOUGHTS*

I keep saying I’m not who I used to be, but I don’t even know who I was or am now. The more I think about it the more I notice that I only ever focused on the bad things about myself, never anything about myself that I liked. I’m not sure if I just had an incredibly poor self-image or if it’s because I just completely sucked at life. I don’t know if I’ve changed myself at all, or if I’ve just been focusing on the good more than the bad. I’m confused about a lot and I’m starting to like being alone, honestly I can tolerate being by myself now. I haven’t felt this good about myself in years, seriously, well I’m oretty sure I feel that good about myself… hah I have no clue. All I know is that I feel better than I felt before and even though I hurt a little sometimes I don’t think it’s uncommon, I can settle for being just another face in the crowd and I think I’d break under the pressure of being anything more, I’m more chill than ever.

*UPDATE*

My focus on school has never been stronger, I’m almost completely caught up in all of my classes after already missing so much school. I’m ahead in Lit. and Design, at normal pace with Geometry, and just a tad bit behind in Information Technology and Earth/Space. Concert Choir and Swimming don’t exactly have homework or anything at all so it’s kind of hard to get behind in those. I’m really happy with myself, there’s less stress when I just shut up and do the fucking work when it’s supposed to be done. Plus I told my aunt about the puppy situation, she said she’s do what she did with my mother when she was a kid. [[My mom wanted a bunny but my grandma said no, so my aunt told my mom she’d buy one for her if she was good that way my grandma wouldn’t be able to say no. Needless to say it worked.]] My mom wouldn’t get rid of a puppy, she doesn’t have the bitchiness to, all I have to do is get good grades. I think it’s something to work towards, something to make life worth living when everything goes to shit, a reason to be better.

Texted Cody again today, another reason to be fifty times happier than I’ve been. Not only did we text, but the silly bitch called me for advice, it’s like he never left at the moment… things are just picking up where they left off in August. Talking to him today made me really realize that relationship drama bullshit will always be there, he’s got his whole life figured out for the most part yet he can’t help falling for someone who isn’t his girlfriend… well ex-girlfriend now. What is it about losing your virginity that makes everything more dramatic and urgent? Who even knows…

So I’ve been thinking about that formspring.com thing that people annonomysly ask you questions on, and I might want one. I don’t know if anybody would ask anything, I don’t know if there’s anything you guys don’t know really. I don’t want to have one if it’s just going to sit there unused forever, meh, who knows what I’ll do. I don’t know if it completely matters either way.

always up or down, never down and out.

This weekend was more eventful than I thought it’d be. Went to Lys’s house as planned, talked for hours about everything and nothing at once. We played dumb games and got on the computer for almost the whole night, I missed her more than thought I did. Slept, went to drop Kaelynn off at work, went to burger king, went to Jakes house. We watched Harry Potter, they did their couple thing, it was a little weird and boring. Went back to Elyssa’s house and watched lifetime all day. Unexpectedly stayed the night at my aunt’s house and hung out with my cousin. Played xbox, played with blocks, talked and crap. We all went to bed. Woke up and ate nom nom food. Spent almost the whole day watching True Blood and talking to my aunt about my life and things of that nature. Got picked up, did my homework and watched a lifetime movie about women who just happen to be fat, and just happened to get on myspace. It just so happens that my weekend was amazing and that I currently get to have old conversations with an old friend, even if they do involve the age old question of “what are you wearing?” it makes everything ten times funnier.

*CODY*

I have never in my life missed someone as much as I miss you every second of every day you’ve been gone. When I saw you online I almost had a heart attack, you’re never online when I am. I freaked out even more when I got a message from you, and I freaked out ten times more when you texted me. I haven’t seen you in over a year; I haven’t heard your voice in months. My best friend the marine. I wish you’d never joined honestly; you’d be home now. You’d be a bum living with your mother like your brother… but you’d be here and not stuck in California, no matter how beautiful it is. If you only knew how often I cry or panic when I think of you, I don’t know if I’ve ever been more worried in my life. You were my go to person for years, now your gone and everything’s gone to shit, though I’m learning to deal. I wish you’d just be back damn it. Cody I love you so incredibly much (in a non-I want to date you kind of way), you better not be shitting me when you say you’ll be home soon… I can’t live without my best friend for much longer.