And I know that it’s so cliché to tell you that everyday I spend with you is the new best day of my life.

*JUST SO YOU KNOW*

You were always beautiful kid, you still take my breath away when I see you, not that I see you often. It’s just that something has changed and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to see you the same way I used to, but still I don’t think I want to anyhow. It’s just different from what I’m used to, being so completely drawn to you and yet so repulsed. I Honestly don’t think I would have fallen for you if you would have looked like you could hurt me like you did, not the worst hurt I’ve ever felt but enough to make me question myself. I hate to think that I gave you this much power over me, though I take pride in regaining that power and bettering myself in the process… plus who cares it’s just high school relationship drama bullshit anyway. I’ll live, I mean, I always do.

*A LITTLE CONFUSION*

So I think I want a relationship, but then again I think most people in the world do. The thing is I don’t know if I’m ready. It’s not because I’m not over somebody, it’s just that my life is finally coming together. People always said that I needed to focus on school and get my priorities straight, I’ve always made my current relationship my main priority over everything else, I don’t know if I’ve reached the point to where I can fully focus on what I need to if I am dating someone. I’m a little confused, but I think I have the right to be in this situation, I don’t think anybody knows anything about what they want for sure right now. Though I think I’ve decided that it’s just one of those things where I’ll wait to see what happens. If someone I like just happens to like me then I’ll see where things go from there, but until then I’m not going to try and find a relationship… it’s really not worth looking for when I have other things I need to focus on.

*A LITTLE FURTHER INTO THE PLANS*

So winter formal with Elyssa, I think we’re going to Ashtons house at some point in time and going out to eat at another. I’m hoping Lauren will be taking part in these events but who knows, I really know that I need to figure it all out by next weekend otherwise I’m fucked. I also know that I need to figure out how much tickets cost and what I do to get them, this will be a confusing week and a half, but it’ll all be worth it in the end. Oh and for your information Elyssa is just one of my best friends, we’re not homosexual together… and no she doesn’t go to Westside, she goes to Millard South.

*I’D STILL KILL FOR YOU GUYS THOUGH*

Thayne is leaving this weekend to go to a correctional center in Reno, all because he stole a pack of cigarettes. I knew my friends were idiots, but fuck I didn’t know they were retarded. Don’t get caught, or just don’t steal. I’ve stolen things from people but nothing that really matters, a huge ass key here a few dollars from a lost wallet there, never anything from a store. I think my friends are worse than I am… the funny thing is I always used to be the bad one.

*I’M ALLOWED TO HAVE RANDOM THOUGHTS*

Sometimes I wish I lived inside a strobe light. I’d always be where the fun is, the crazy techno dance music, the sex and drugs, and the bubbly feeling of being more alive than ever before. I’d never see the whole picture; I’d only see what happens when the light flashes on, but maybe I don’t want to see everything… maybe knowing less is better. It’d be different, yet it may be the same as it always is; it’s hard to know for sure considering I don’t live in a strobe light.

*A BIT OF PUPPY BUSINESS*

Just another thing, a little thing. I just mentioned to my mom when I get a puppy I’m taking it to a trainer like we did to my first dog. She told me to make sure I get a boy dog. Honestly I’m happy she knows I’m getting a puppy, but I wish she wouldn’t try to make it hers. I don’t want a boy, I don’t want a boxer, it’s my dog and she needs to stop trying to take it over before we’ve even gotten it. I’ll train it, I’ll feed it, I’ll walk it, and it’ll sleep with me in my basement… not her. I need this dog to be mine, it’s the whole point of getting it and if she’s going to ruin it for me I don’t even want it to begin with.