I can't remember anything, what's your name? i don't give a fuck, i don't give a fuck.

*BUMMER*

I can’t even try to humiliate myself, yeah, I can’t try out for cheerleading. It’s all because of my past… since I’ve had a horrible beginning to my high school career when it comes to academics my GPA is incredibly low, which sucks because I’m actually trying now and my grades are currently far above average. It makes me wonder if it’s always going to be like this, if my freshman year is always just going to bring me down, I hope not. I guess there are more ways to embarrass myself at this school, I mean I could try out to be a show queer (no offence to my gay friends, tons of offence to ‘the douche fag’) or I could try out for color guard (that’s the funny looking flag thing right?) either way I’m sure I’ll find something to get me to where I’m supposed to be right now.

*AND I THINK THAT I’M STARTING TO SCARE MYSELF*

Right now it’s 5:14 AM and I’ve only slept two hours, I went to bed at midnight like a good little Ashley then woke up at two, what the flank? It’s truly pissing me off. When I was asleep all I could do was dream about a book series I’ve been reading, not just picturing it in my head, but reading the words in the book (I made up what happened to the characters in my dream, but I’m still bugged out that I dreamed about reading.) I’m more of a loser than I thought I was, it’s saddening really. Though I think this book series is different than any other I’ve read, never before have I felt physical I’m-going-to-puke pain when I read something bad that happened. I’ve worried, I’ve felt breathless during the forbidden kiss scene, I’ve cried when something bad happens, but I’ve never panicked to that extent while reading. Plus it pisses me off like no book ever has; actually I think getting caught up in the book is a better way of saying it. (You know when you have a dream that someone was trying to kill you or your friends and then you wake up and your still pissed at them, then you see them later in the day and you’re just a complete dick to them because of that dream? Like that.) I was reading and I was really pissed at someone in the book because of some bullshit thing they did or said, then my mom came down and asked me a question and I gave her the bitch-I-will-fucking-kill-you-if-you-say-anything-to-me stare, then I freaked out for a second when I realized what was happening.

*QUICK QUESTION*

We imagine what’s happening while we read, right? I don’t completely understand how, because when I read and get really into it I’m reading it but I don’t see the words at all through the movie in my head. It’s like I know what I’m reading and that it’s right but I don’t see it, then I come out of it when I have to turn the page or something, is it like that for anyone else or am I just crazy? I sincerely hope it isn’t the second.

*SHOUT OUTS*

Shout out to the ex, Mr. Ben Oltman. His birthday happens to be today, THUMBS UP BITCH YOU’RE SIXTEEN… this is your present because I don’t care enough about you to get you something real. Oops, did I say that out loud? (It’s really because I have no money and no idea what you’d want anyway, and because I’m not going to do anything physical with you (EW!) no offence). I hope you don’t choke on birthday cake.

Yesterday (the 21^st) was my half brothers birthday; I know this because I got in touch with a cousin of mine on my father’s side. I always felt wrong saying had siblings that I don’t know so I say I’m an only child, I was raised alone and I still haven’t met them, that should count for something. Anyway it makes me feel somewhat guilty acting like they don’t exist when I now know a lot about them, so James Happy 6^th (I think you’re turning six…) Birthday, and I just realized you have the same name as Laurens brother…

*WHICH REMINDS ME…*

Speaking of Laurens brother, Lauren can see me dating him; it makes me laugh a little. She said it’s because we both enjoy video games and a bit of anime, and because I said he was cute like once a year or so ago. (I was still going through my ‘I like nerdy guys’ phase not yet in my ‘emo kids are cute’ phase.) I mean honestly I could maybe see myself dating him (Yes I just saw all of you that know James cringe at the thought), but not currently… back then. My taste in guys has changed yet again, surprise, surprise.

*UGH, MORE THINKING*

So I just went into this whole long thing on what I want in a guy, but I’ve decided that if you want to know what I like you can see for yourself, so I deleted it. Really it wasn’t just about the next boyfriend or whatever, it was turning into a ‘my perfect guy would have…’ kind of thing and I don’t like that. I guess I will help out whoever is interested by saying I wont tell you I like you if I do, I’ll be to scared to mess everything up between us or change your image of me, so if you really like me you’ll have to tell me first. Ha maybe I should make boyfriend applications, just for