so I'm mad because there's so much i could say that i wont, I'm not ready to risk this which is fucking bullshit. i want to say everything and lay all the cards on the table but i cant. I'm young and ignorant and I'll look back at my life in ten years and think the same thing but i don't care anymore. let me set myself up for hurt, let me lose everything that really does mean something to me (even if it doesn't believe i care), let me fuck up my whole life. I'm just a girl and if i want to hide for a while i will. I'm a horrible person and i know that, I'm self centered, I'm conceited, I'm everything i shouldn't be but i wouldn't be me if i wasn't. I've changed I'm sure but I'm not the only one, yes i can say that i don't love you right now but it doesn't mean i never loved you before. i cant just keep having these fights with you but you know we cant stay apart for long so make a decision and maybe, just maybe, I'll agree... its the least i could do. you're breaking my heart and making me fall for you at the same time and i cant just let it go. I'm sick of the same answers and I'm sick of resorting back to the same thing but i don't know how to do anything else with you. I'm wrong with you and i know that but i don't care, I'm just waiting to find out who the next girl will be and hoping it will be me, it wont be. i know what I'm getting into but when I'm anywhere near you or anything i melt completely and my face gets warm instantly. I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale, I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet and lead up the stairwell... i know. thanks for last night, i was so scared and i called you crying. i remember why we were always so close before, you were always just a call away when i needed you. the sounds weren't just me being crazy because you heard them too, you stayed longer than you should have but I'm happy you did. I'll always remember the time i freaked out about my haunted house and my amazing friend came to rescue me... you're the best.you wrote this and i have nothing to say honestly... some minor details are wrong but it doesn't matter, I'm sorry i broke your heart again. we both know this isn't over and that it may last forever and I'm sure you don't want me to post this on here but i cant help it... I'm sorry and you know I'm not worth this long thing. i am a bitch and everything you make me seem like, only worse, i don't know if i can fix it this time.
its a long story, and ill try to do it justice.
I met her 2 years ago, we fell in love immediately. we dated for only 6 months, before i broke it off with her. we saw each other on and off, as we went to the same high school, making out between passing periods. she was my first, and i was hers, it was something i hoped always mattered to her like it would to me. and for a while it seemed that it would. but then she met another guy, the name doesn't matter. they dated for 4 months before she gave it up again. it broke my heart, i was absolutely devastated. it felt like a part of me died that day, and i cant explain why. she didn't understand why i hurt like i did, i still don't think she does. it took me about 2 months to be able to see her again without wanting to kill myself. over the summer we got closer again, talked for hours on the phone some nights, i really felt like i wanted to be with her again, but of course she had other guys she wanted to be with, and i had no shot with her she had moved beyond me and i was going to accept that. Then one day after school we were walking when she pushed me against the wall and kissed me, i had no idea why, but i loved every second of it. that was the day she met him. he was the perfect guy every girl wants, blond hair blue eyes intelligent rich athletic and funny, i knew i had no chance. sure enough, three days after they started dating they had sex. i felt worthless, like this was my fault, i deserved the pain. they didn't last long after that, only two more weeks, but like me she saw him almost every day. the difference is he has a car. they could go sneak off and continue like nothing had happened. i meanwhile was caught up in a now useless attempt to woo another girl who wanted nothing more than friendship. brokenhearted i want back to her, only she was no longer listening to me. she had "made a mistake" with him. i was there to try and help, but she wanted none of that and cast me off like i never met her. i couldn't stand the silence and eventually she talked to me again. she said she was done with him, that nothing would happen again. i still liked her, even after all that had gone on. the day she told me she was done with him she told me something else, that she loved me. i was ecstatic, i couldn't be happier. but of course it couldn't be true. the next day i was going to ask her out, but she beat me to the punch "i didn't mean it" she told me. again, i was crushed, but friends is better than nothing, right? wrong, she couldn't keep her promise. today she sent me an email she had sent to him, telling him how much he hurt her. that wouldn't be bad, except it graphically detailed him sneaking over to her house while no one was home and them having sex for hours in her bed, with her first ever orgasm. it felt like someone had told me my whole family had been killed. it was a physical pain i felt when i read it, and it honestly hurts me right now. like someone stabbing me. i know why they call it a heartbreak now. then instead of trying to understand, instead of doing ANYTHING, she selfishly took advantage of my feelings for her to use me as an emotional anchor. now I'm stuck, do i finally leave her for hurting me one to many times or do i continue to let her drain me emotionally until I'm nothing but a shell of the man she met 2 years ago?
and the worst part is, i know no matter what i choose, i will never be able to forgive her. i feel like my whole life's purpose has come to end, I'm merely existing. all because one girl, who i fell in love with two years ago
if you've made it this far, thank you for reading, and if you haven't i don't blame you, you don't want to deal with my shit, do you?
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