I sit here and I get annoyed with you when you comment on how great we would be together as a couple, then I realize that if I turn the tables a little I’m just like you. I’m not saying you’re pathetic… actually I am, but I’m not saying it as a bad thing. I guess there’s just something about us that gives us hope when there should be none and even though it makes us miserable, it makes sense to be miserable for that person because we’re just so convinced that one day things will change and they’ll feel how they did before. We know it wont happen and even when the other person says there is no possible way for it to happen, we still believe it can because they just mean so much to us in our pathetic and dramatic little delusion. We’re not ones to think of the bad things that happened… we think of all the amazing things, the good times, and that’s what makes us break down. For me it’s just the same question over and over again, how do you give up on something that seemed so perfect at one point and who said it can’t be perfect again? For us the first kiss is something we will never forget no matter how high or drunk we are, no matter the person, it’s always there. We wake up sweaty and crying every night because that one person we feel that we need so badly was in our dream, it’s never a big part, its never about them… but the fact that they’re there and we can’t escape their face no matter whether we’re conscious or not drives us to madness. We start stupid little conversations and take their one word answers like it’s a fucking gift from the heavens, we try to make the friendship work even though we know it wont because we’re so awkward when it comes to speaking to them once it’s all over, we can fake a smile and do it often especially when they’re around just to try and let them see how much better you are without them though everyone around knows it’s just a show and that we’re about to cry. We’d fake it all if we could, and if they’d lie and tell us that they love us we’d be ready to die right then because our lives in our eyes would be complete. It’s not like we’re broken it just that we’re a little caught in the moment, and when you’re not ready for the moment to end things turn out badly for us. There is no “one night alone with the TV and a lot of crying” for us to get over things, there’s months or in your case years of pain over something that should be insignificant. Other people come and go, we just watch them try and feel guilty because we know nothing they do will compare to that person we hold so dear in our hearts. Shutting them out may be the hardest thing because all we want from them when it happens is for them to come back trying a little harder to make the friendship work, most of the time they don’t and you’re left crawling back on your hands and knees begging for forgiveness, and sometimes they’re just gone forever… not phone calls, no text messages, no instant messages, no contact period. It may be better for us to just quit cold turkey, get over it as fast as possible and fuck the friendship because it’s nothing close to what we really want… but it’s easier to talk and try to make things work even if there are constant fights between you two because it’s just so much in our eyes. I haven’t covered half of it, in fact I haven’t covered a quarter of it because there’s just so much to us and our thoughts about this that make us deplorable in every way possible. One thing I do know is that if I didn’t completely understand where you were coming from I would be a halfwit that can’t even know myself when I see my reflection in the mirror, I’ll still be annoyed when you confess your feelings for me that I cannot deny, but I get it more than you know.
