'Cause I just can't keep coming back.

first off

happy birthday to Johnnie and Ashton

second off

this is kind of long but explains probably the biggest day of my freshman year

exactly one year ago today

November fifteenth, you could say that last year it was one of the most stressful yet most amazing days of the year. it was a Saturday and the day after i had seen high school musical three with Lys and Lochlan, i wanted Ryan to go so that i wouldn't even be tempted with Lochlan because i knew i would be, but he decided to go hang out with the other Ryan instead. i should have just stayed home but of course i didn't because as much as i liked Ryan, i liked Lochlan more. cinema center, it was awkward at first, he'd brought Andy and Matt and i brought Lys, then i saw the Zachs and flipped shit because i loved tuti-fruity oh so much. Andy and Matt decided to see that one spy movie, me Lys and Lochlan chose high school musical. we sat in the front row and i was hyper as hell because i was so nervous, until he kissed me. it wasn't a make out kiss, there was no tongue, it was a bunch of pecks at once and honestly one of the best kisses of my life. i know it's dumb especially because i was with Ryan at the time but it felt right, i let it continue and eventually there was tongue, he was holding me my head in his lap kissing me and i didn't think of Ryan once. if i hadn't earned the name heartless bitch before i earned it now, yay me I'd lived up to my beloved nick name. I'm going to be honest there was some rubbing through the pants on his part and until now the only people who knew that were the people sitting there. the movie got over and they called for their ride, we played games and i got a ring... he did too, the amazing 25 cent machine ring i never took off and if it was off my finger it was around my neck on a chain. he was leaving and he kissed me, i pulled him back and he kissed me four more times, at this point it didn't even matter who saw. me and Lys walked home, talked about it a little and listened to songs on her phone. it was kind of awkward between us but it was nothing we couldn't get over. i texted Lochlan from her phone because i didn't have texting and we texted until the next day around 2 PM, then came the "i know this is wrong but i can't help falling in love with you." play time was over. i told him that i was going to do it that night, i had to break up with Ryan i didn't have a choice. i went home and stopped texting Lochlan, slept for a few hours then called him to get the motivation to really do this, about twenty minuets later i called Ryan. he answered and i started crying automatically, i really did like him a lot and i never in a million years wanted to hurt him but in all honesty it was the second time that i cheated on him and i knew it would only keep happening. i told him i thought we should break up, he asked why, i told him i cheated on him the night before... it was silent and i begged him to stay on the line(because i really wanted to take it back say fuck Lochlan and just be with Ryan) he hung up. called Lochlan crying he talked me through it said it would be okay and i believed him... until i saw the bulletin on myspace titled suicide attempt number one. i hung up on Lochlan and called Ryan, he didn't want to talk to me, he didn't answer but its not like i could blame him. i knew he was fine when i saw the next bulletin titled fuck you, it was a giant middle finger and it said fuck you Ashley and Lochlan, i smiled at it then logged off. the whole time between the bulletins when i couldn't get a hold of Ryan i was cussing Lochlan out telling him that it wasn't okay and that everything was still wrong and that i hated him and so forth, after the second bulletin i called Lochlan and apologized we talked while him and Andy walked to the gas station to get food then eventually we hung up.

November fifteenth i ended one relationship and started the relationship that changed my life almost more than any other, a year later I'm in no better position. Lochlan loved me, Luc doesn't. i spent last night talking on the phone with Ben, then i texted Luc, it was pretty bad. i was a fucking mess and honestly i don't even care anymore, I'm not wanted because i have no confidence, i have no confidence because nobody wants more then sex, nobody wants more than sex because i have no confidence... that's the circle of life for me i realized once it was pointed out for me last night. i don't get how to all of a sudden be confident though when nobody wants me the way i want them. i wasn't lying, i probably would jump off a bridge, i do love him... now I'm stuck.

November fifteenth was an amazing/horrible day for me last year, so far this year it's only been horrible, i guess now we play the waiting game because something good needs to happen.