*THE FIRST LITTLE EXPLANATION*
Reading this stupid book over again you’d think I’d have a new take on everything. New character replacements, new thoughts on certain things, new realizations… but I didn’t. Unbelievable as it may be he was still my Edward, I still compared every emotion that Bella had towards Edward to how I felt towards him, oddly
enough it jogged my memory.
*TO THE REAL LIFE EDWARD I’VE GROWN TO HATE*
I’d forgotten how I felt about you the honestly, it was all just a blur though it only happened a couple years ago. The physical attraction then was incredible and you always had to calm me down, I needed you and that was the only way to show you and have you understand. I’d gasp before every kiss like it was something I’d never thought would happen, I remember you pointing this out to me many times, and as hard as I tried to control it, it never stopped nor have I done that with anyone else. I never had to think about kissing you which should be normal, but I honestly am always thinking while kissing about what I should be doing, everything with you was so natural… it was just a blur and it all happened so fast that I didn’t need to think, everything was so perfect in my mind that I could never screw it up. I never let you go, whether it was a hug I wanted to last longer or getting off the phone at ten o’ clock each school night so you could shower, you being gone in my mind was like someone chopping off my limbs because I felt useless and alone without you. My grades started slipping then, my attitude flared up then, because nothing at that point mattered but you… if I’d been told to choose between you and my family I would have chosen you, you were the only family I needed. I fought with you because I needed you to fight back and I needed to be constantly assured that you felt the same, actions spoke louder than words. My sense of humor was off, it still is, but then it was just because I didn’t know how to react when you changed the words from “I love you” to “I’m in love with you”. I wrote hundreds of letters during the school day just so I could try to fit all of my emotions in, although in reality you only got maybe four of those letters and the rest went into the garbage when you broke my heart. My eyes would water while thinking of you on a good day, just because I was so happy with you. I would have had your kids then and here though the thought of anything like that is repulsing to me, in fact I wanted to have them and had names picked out on top of it, names that I thought you’d like because I remembered previous conversations. I look back remembering just looking at you because I thought you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life, you hated me looking at you, you always thought you’d done something wrong. Needless to say I was crazy about you and you were the reason why Edward was the good guy in my eyes and why he’s the bad guy now.
*RELATIONS TO THE LAST HEARTBREAK*
Though now when putting myself into the story there’s one person I feel most connected to, one person I understand in an emo I hate life kind of way, someone to compare myself to because it fits so much better. Leah, yeah the chick werewolf, she doesn’t play a big part but it’s big enough to make a difference. She’s just stuck, mentally glued to one spot and cannot move an inch or even scream for help because it’d do no good. She’s heartbroken but can’t just leave her ex because he’s a part of who she is… her werewolf side at least. He’s the alpha and she’s in the pack, she has no choice but to fallow him all day long but if an opportunity sprung up to leave she’d take it in a heartbeat. He’s all she thinks of, she blames herself for everything that had gone wrong between them, him imprinting on someone who wasn’t her. She absolutely loved him, still loves him and can’t just let go. She of all people knows it’s not that easy to just let go, there’s more then just goodbye. I thought I was in love with him, I still think I am but that doesn’t change the fact that everything that makes me who I am was wrong for him. I still have to see him everyday and as hard as I’m trying to change that… nothing is working. Every night I dream about him and every morning I wake up feeling a little more useless with dried tears on my face. Talking about it only makes the pain more real and all I want is for him and all the issues I’ve ever had that involve him to go away, I was never one to blush until he kissed me and the only time I ever blush now is when I see him or when the conversation is about him. I know he hurt me, I know he used me, I know I should want to kill him… but as hard as I try not to want it, all I really want is for him to come back, even if all he can do is use me. He can go along and be happy without me, there’s just no way I can sit here and watch it happen. Sure we’re bitchy, often on edge and ready to start an argument, ready to explode at any moment… but there’s more to it, being nice just isn’t appealing anymore.
*WHAT MORE IS THERE TO SAY REALLY*
Now I have a headache and I’m definitely going to be emotional for the rest of the night, good thing it’s two a.m. and I don’t have to worry about it for much longer. Stephenie Meyer is an idiot, but when it comes to books I can relate to she has it… even if it’s not what I’m looking for. You laugh, you cry, you get a little off track with side thoughts, but if you didn’t it wouldn’t be the same fucked up love story it always is. The vampires are a twist enough, they didn’t have to sparkle damn it, breaking dawn.
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