random thinking.
today was just sad, if you talked to me at all you know what im talking about. im done being pathetic, im done freaking out like i did, im done with all of that. ive said it all before i know, but now i genuinely am sick of looking like a dumb ass. my grade this quarter are going to be better, im actually going to try, i have four days off to get my shit together before i go back to the hell hole. that means more stress breakdowns but i guess theyre worth it when you look at the big picture, plus i dont feel like a dumb ass when im not freaking out about stupid fucking things. i think i might be able to do this... but not right now because i have a headache thinking about it.
elyssas birthday party is the 24th of october, she decided to turn it into a costume party. i still need to buy her present and now i have to buy a costume too, fuck. thank god my mom has my back, i used to go to my grandma for money and things but now that i think back my mom did more for me than my grandma ever did. i really dont want to go to this party just because its with a few stupid people and friends of lochlan... ewwie. im so beyond not interested in hearing people talk about him andy and matt, last year at elyssas birthday party i was with ryan and lochlan had just gotten dumped by gisselle, then about two weeks later i ended up with lochlan. i can happily assure myself and luc that im not going to be finding anybody else soon... good news right.
part of me is thinking about moving back in with my mom, its crazy i know don yell at me, but weve been getting along so good lately. theres so much drama here and im sick of it, hating the people i live with isnt incredibly amazing, but then again living with someone who wants to kill me isnt amazing either. if i move back home there will be rules... id have an actual curfew, i doubt id be able to get driven around places by friends, and theres no lying about where im going or sneaking out. here i have total freedom but i dont know if thats a good thing for me to have at this point in my life... i hate to say it but i need structure. plus my animals are there, my baby (my keyboard) is there, my 29 year old gangster wannabe creeper friends are there, and id have a home computer. i doubt i'll move back, but its a nice thought sometimes.
another part of me wants to switch schools, ive been with district 66 since kindergarten and im kind of sick of it. same people for 11 years, i havent been able to actually change who i am without people seeing who i was for 11 fucking years. i could start over, when teachers call out ashley i could fuck around and say people call me jeff instead, i could stop being the weird black chick for once. i could be fucking normal for once, i dont want to leave my friends dont get me wrong, but everyone whos left westside and never came back had the right idea... then again id die without my laptop.
paranormal activity is opening everywhere friday, its rated r but i plan on seeing it whether i have to sneak in or go with my mom. i love horror movies, its insane, saw six comes out soon too... exciting. it isnt the best part of the year for no reason, i love scary shit, i love the feeling you get. in all honesty i think a good scare may almost be better than sex, im such a freak when it comes to scary shit. anyhow, my moms being wonder woman for halloween. i could just take her costume for the partys i have to go to, or i could go with her to get my own, either way i plan on being some sort of super hero... sexy slutty one or not ha ha.
now im going to go watch the shows on my dvr.
sweet dreams.
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