its almost three a.m. random thought time.
my grandma ended up saying that I'm fooling all of my friends and that I'm not what i seem this morning to me. if I'm not what i seem then what am i, id really like to know because i honestly have no fucking clue. i know I'm not "being true to myself" there are plenty of people i don't like that I'm friends with, plenty of things i want to say but don't, plenty things i do but don't mean. i cant make up my mind, i don't know what i want to do or say most of the time and one thing i know for sure is that i don't plan on being alone while figuring all of this out. we knew who we were and what were we all about in elementary school, we could say yes or no and mean what we said, we didn't care if someone was going to hurt us the only thing that mattered was sharing a mat with your best friend at nap time. i want that back, i was happy and dumb, i didn't know better but then again i didn't know worse, the best days of my life.
i kind of feel like its all going downhill honestly, i don't exactly like it. i might guess and say a month but that doesn't mean i don't want it to last longer. if you ever say you're a bad boyfriend again i will kick you in the nuts, you're not bad I'm just a lot to handle and i take time getting used to, not to mention I'm kind of used to getting what i want when i want it. since I've tried to lay off being all gah things seem weird, however everything in my life seems kind of weird right now. you know how i feel about you, you know what i want, now its in your hands completely your turn to take control, do whatever you want with it.
i keep saying how everything is too hard, how I'm sick of being who i am and want to try, but I'm done, I'm sick of saying stuff. I'm going to do what the fuck i want when i want, i know the consequences and I'm a big girl who can make her own decisions. I've stopped being as pathetic I've started applying myself a bit and we'll see where it gets me. I've realized i get in more trouble when i try than i do when i don't which makes no sense and stresses me out but i can deal. I'm kind of happy with myself at the moment. I'm not leaving school again anytime soon because i refuse to have a run in with the cops, sure I'm happy Eric was there to chill me out but I'm not ready to come anywhere close to panicking even the littlest bit over that.
people need to back the fuck off of me. something about being taken makes people interested and its annoying me like no fucking other. oh really you like me, oh really you want to try and kiss me, you should have done it three weeks ago, there was almost a full ten months that i was single with little things in between, you couldn't have said something then? i hate to say it people but I'm not going to deal with your feelings towards me because i could care less, the relationship I'm in now is one of the only things keeping me happy (aside from this dumb blog and sleep of course) so don't even try to fuck it up, if anyone is going to fuck it up its me or Luc, not you.
its almost four, i need to go to bed, I'm going to have about two hours of sleep... again. that sucks, ugh oh well i guess, i think better when I'm sleep deprived anyhow.
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