we never talk of our lack in relationships.

every once in a while i feel like spilling everything and telling everybody the things they might not know about me, it all just builds up over time and i have nowhere to put it all. some of you probably know some of this, some of you know none of this, and a few of you might know all of this. i figure you'll all judge me but i could honestly care less at this point, im just sick of holding it all in... there isnt much, but its enough to make me breakdown.

in all honesty i love my mom, she is a bitch, there's no doubt about that. the thing is that im a mommys girl, always have been and i always will be. i tell her somethings but i never tell her everything, she just sort of knows. shes not the type of person to hug you when you cry or hold your hand when youre scared, shes the type to tell you to stop being such a pussy and to stop crying like a bitch so she can understand you. she would kill anyone who ever hurt me in a heart beat, its not like she hasnt threatened my friends before. she's my ultimate cuddle buddy and id die for her any second of any day. we only get along some of the time, im sure most of you know she was the first to give me a black eye, and the only one i will take any beating from. she tells me she loves me but shes always trying to leave me, all i ever wanted was for her to accept me how i am. she wants me to be more than some fuck up kid who just doesnt care, but every time i was more id get the same treatment. she makes me hate myself more than anyone in the world and as much as i want to be perfect for her, i wont let myself be. i know i cant keep begging her to stay in my life, i know she shouldnt get a second glance when i walk away, but shes my fucking mother. shes the only one i know who's as crazy as i am, she's the only one who's in denial about it, she's the only one who understand everything even if she trys not to, she's my fucking god.

i know im a loser and i always will be, but sometimes i cant help but wish i was more. right now im the crazy bitchy half black chick some people love and most people love to hate. why cant i be that happy blonde girl who's slightly underweight, the one everybody knows the name of, the cheerleading whore who gets away with everything because of her daddys money? i love my life, i cant imagine it any other way, but i want to start over and be someone completely different. i have so many regrets, ive fucked up almost everything good in my life and i cant imagine my life becoming one worth living even if i did try. im sure its sad that ive given up on my life, that i dont want to go to collage, graduate from high school, get a job, a family, anything, that now all i want is to sleep, hide inside myself, and die young and alone. i think i set myself up for this at a young age, i mean what kindergardener knows straight off the bat theyre going to smoke and drink, i was wrong i hate cigaretts and alcohol, but still. ive always said that id try any drug put in front of me as long as it wasnt meth, ive always wanted to be the party girl in the 90's club scene.

when listening to you belong with me by taylor swift all i can do is panic. i neither of those girls. here's me spelling it all out with some of the lyrics, my thought are in blue...

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

im the girl who doesnt get humor and flips shit for no reason.

I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesnt like
And she'll never know your story like I do

this could be true

but i dont now anybodys stories

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts yes
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers yes
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time

i dont see myself as the girl anyone has ben looking for.

Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself
Hey isnt this easy?
mmhmm

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I havent seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you find I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?

id be the one stopping someone from smiling.

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry

im the one to make you cry

i even make small

I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.

i think i fail

im scared to death of semi trucks, i dont like anything that intimidates me. i hate heights but at the same time i find them enjoyable, im really closterphobic. i love horror movies and action movies where a lot of people die, i dont like blood and guts though sometimes it can be fucking sweet. chick flicks are not my best friends, nor are diamonds. i hate when people do things for me, i dont even like christmas because i cant afford to get anything for the other person. i often have the perfect gifts in mind but i cant ever get them.

example: id love to get my mom creed concert tickets, she loves creed and stained, their both coming 4 days before her birthday. i want to get elyssa a harry potter wand because shes a super loser who loves harry potter.

i think im done witht this, maybe they're will be additions later, we'll see.